Friday, October 9, 2009

I am past the halfway point of raising of my first born daughter. I mean to the point where she will be off at college on her own. It is terrifying and liberating at the same time. We sent her to a Lutheran school with amazing teachers. We are at a vibrant church with an explosive youth ministry. We are trying our best to set an example of a personal relationship with our Saviour. We feel we have deep roots in our faith to give to our children. When we give them wings we fully expect them to fly. We know it is not up to us, but all up to our Loving Father. We feel so blessed that God has chosen us to be parents to the 4 beautiful, talented, spirited daughters we have. My heart overflows when I look at each one of my girls. They are unique individuals, and each one has the ability to drive me to knees- either in praise for the blessing she brings or in pain begging God for respite from the bickering that pervades a house with 4 females only 6 years apart! In either case, on a day like today, where they are not around all day and I am in a quiet house, I am reminded just how full my life is because of my children. I am not made to be still. I am wired to be moving, to be in action. I love serving, using my gifts to be doing something. I have enjoyed the time to be going through things, and getting things organized, but I couldn't do it every day. I like to be on the move!
It is raining today. A crisp fall day. 3 of the kids do not have school and yet I am alone in the house. It is supposed to be a productive day. So far I have not been that productive. I have a lot to get done. My house is in shambles and my life has been running at warp speed. I feel the need to write, so here I sit. I have music playing and I hear the familiar tick tock of the clock. It is reassuring. The mess is waiting for me. I am going to attack it room by room. I feel like I also have thousands of ideas in my head waiting to burst out and not enough time to let them all out. I wonder how things got so busy, so out of control. I love my children, my spouse, my life. I wouldn't change the way I spend my days. I am so blessed to be able to volunteer in school. I love doing what I do. I am involved in my children's lives. I know their teachers, I know what happens in their days. I am at their games, at their field trips, at the school store. They even know me at the high school. I feel I am right where God wants me to be. Yet, it is still chaotic. That doesn't seem right. Somewhere I am missing the mark. I am trying to discern where it is I am not hearing His voice. I truly believe that if you are doing what God wills, you will not feel overwhelmed. There are many days I feel overwhelmed. I do not like living in a disorganized, cluttered house, and mine is the definition of one. The basement is a scary place to be. I don't like it. My goal this weekend is to bring the house back to the level of organization that is to a standard where I will not be embarrassed to have people see how we live. Then I can take a deep breath and face the day. I know God will direct my path, give me strength and get me through the weekend. I may very well be a new woman by tuesday!