tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64945170689842762682024-02-20T05:08:43.769-06:00Ponderings of purpose?Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-17432490098331200442012-11-16T08:24:00.000-06:002012-11-16T08:24:25.001-06:00Ordinary Life Extraordinary GiftI believe that sometimes I get so wrapped up in thinking about what it is that God wants me to be doing with my life that I forget about what it is that I am already doing. I get caught up thinking about grand and glorious plans and ways of making big and amazing differences on a global scale that I don't see what is right in front of me. I have been charged with the honor of raising 4 daughters. I have made a vow to love a man. God gave me these gifts. He brought people into my life and sometimes (oftentimes) I get so caught up in serving others (in the name of serving my family) that I ignore the very people that God gave to me to love first and foremost directly after Him. I am out to change the world and I neglect the people I have been asked by God Himself to raise as His disciples. Don't get me wrong- my children are by no means neglected- I am with them day in and day out and I cook and clean and am at their every event. However, am I doing the most amount of good I can for them? Am I being the best example I can? Am I showing them that being their mom is truly a gift? I want them to know that if all I did in life was to raise them to be godly women then it would be more than enough. I would have made all the difference I need in the world. God would have worked through me to do more than I could have ever imagined. I want my everyday to be enough of a miracle that I count it as amazing. My prayer is that I allow God to guide my steps and move from knowing that His will be done to living His will. That is when my ordinary life will become an extraordinary gift.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-65208026698671326162012-11-14T08:01:00.000-06:002012-11-14T08:01:14.507-06:00I don't know what life God has intended for me, but I am quite sure that the one I am living isn't it. The treadmill rat race of never ending craziness certainly cannot be the plan for me- or anyone. There are moments of brilliance, and joy and love and even contentment, but overall, the restlessness pervades my soul and tells me He has more for me than<b><i> this</i></b>. On my good days, I ask Him to show me what it is that I need to do to follow His will and get my act together to do what He has planned for me. On my not so good days I get angry or sad or even a little depressed and wonder why I have wasted so many years trying to do His will only to have failed so miserably. I then pray and look to Scripture and think maybe this or that is my cross to bear and what is in it for me to learn, how can I be a better person from this, what can I take from it, how is God speaking to me, and I contemplate my life and all the good that is in it and all the blessings I have on a daily basis. I cannot complain. I have been blessed and blessed abundantly. I am surrounded with people who love me and comforts that the majority of the people in the world can only dream about. Yet, I still feel like I still have not found my true calling. I know what I love to do and where I find small moments of peace, and yet do not know how to do that on a daily basis and make life work. My soul aches for the feeling of belonging. Perhaps I have finally come to the point where I realize that I am not home, and I will not lose that restlessness until I sit at the feet of Jesus. Maybe I need to shift my focus and remember that my life here is only to prepare me for eternity with Jesus. I am not supposed to feel like this is all there is because there is so much more waiting for me. Instead of waiting for more than earth can give, I can just find the joy that is here and be content with all that it does offer and remember what is to come. That could be a game changer. Instead of asking the question "Is this all there is?" It turns into a statement- "This is all I need, because I have so much more waiting for me!" Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-53241027397213488852012-06-05T16:22:00.002-05:002012-06-05T16:22:41.405-05:00excitedSometime ago, I was asked to contribute to a book of essays that was going to be compiled by Margaret McSweeney. It was about lessons and legacies of faith. I knew right away I wanted to tweak what I had written for my grandma's funeral. It was exciting and daunting. All of the proceeds from the book go in full to WINGS (Women In Need Growing Stronger), an organization located in the suburbs of Chicago, and Hands of Hope, which helps women and children in Africa. I am honored to be a part of this project and am so excited to hold the finished product in my hand. God is so good, and this is awesome! Check it out at http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Pearl-Luminous-Lessons-Iridescent/dp/1462401589/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338931304&sr=8-1Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-87841457814895546862012-02-18T23:40:00.000-06:002012-02-18T23:40:14.199-06:00This is my lifeWhere does the time go? It has been almost a year since my last post. I have been writing a lot, but just not posting. God is growing me in ways I never imagined, and if I could, I would be able to fill several books with all the ways that God is showing me how He is at work in my life- even when it is difficult. My life is running at full speed at all times, but with four children, a husband, and a big extended family, I expect it to be that way. I take the quiet when I can, and really try to listen. We have had some major changes in our lives in the last year, and it has not been easy. Life can be disappointing. Even though my world is relatively small as far as I am surrounded by people who at first glance are seemingly just like me, I am constantly amazed at just how different people are once you see what is truly important to them. Several things have come to light over the past year that have shown me that people are not always who they seem. In some ways it is good, because I have learned good things about people that I would have never known otherwise. It reaffirmed that Jesus is the only one who will never let you down or disappoint you. It still does not make it easier when those disappointments occur. I have so far to go in my faith, and yet sometimes is seems like I am constantly being broken down to be made stronger. Just when I think I cannot take anymore, or the whirlwind that is my life is going to finally catch up with me, something happens that fills me with peace or strength or love that sustains me. I must be wired to need to live at a frenetic pace. I don't know what to do without a full schedule. God is in control, and He will get me through. My life is crazy, and it is busy, but it is also fun, and full of laughter and really good people who love much more than I deserve. It is a rich and rewarding life.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-21904692314747910852011-02-26T17:43:00.000-06:002011-02-26T17:43:01.056-06:00Good enough to be Mary<!--StartFragment-->
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When I was little my school had an amazing Christmas
pageant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I distinctly remember
wanting to be chosen as Mary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Year
after year I was disappointed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every time they chose a blonde girl to play the part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seems funny to me now, seeing as my
dark hair and olive skin would probably be much more culturally correct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a sense of importance to the
role.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mary was the mother of
Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was the chosen
one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She did everything
right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She set a standard for
girls to follow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In high
school my youth group did a live nativity and I finally got to play Mary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Riding that donkey in the freezing
night was amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never
win an Oscar, but I don’t think it would ever compare to those nights of being
Mary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were nights filled with
awe- thinking of what the real Mary much have thought as she travelled with
Joseph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why had God chosen
her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was her life going to
become? The life that was growing inside her was the Savior of the World.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An incredible blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Years passed and I grew up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God worked in my life and I felt his presence in many
ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ended up being a small
group leader at an amazing church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One day one of my small group members walked into group with someone
new….the new pastor’s wife!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now,
this was not the first time this had happened to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the course of my group’s “life” many of the church’s
leader’s spouses ended up in my group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I say this simply because it is important and it shows how God works in
our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thing is, I loved
my group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an amazing group
of Godly women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The longer I led
it, the more I realized how amazing they truly were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also began to realize just how far I had to go on my own
spiritual journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had never
thought I had my act together or even knew for sure why I was leading a small
group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I certainly didn’t feel
qualified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just loved
Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I liked community and
wanted to serve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I joined a group
and when that group grew and it was time to birth, they asked me to lead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prayed about it, felt led to say yes,
and people actually showed up!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here is the thing though- I felt like I had a group of Mother Marys and
my resume looked more like that of Mary Magdalene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea why these women would be looking to me as a
leader.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were the ones who had
it together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They made much better
choices than I had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My demons were
still raging within.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still woke
up each day and wondered if the real adults were going to show up at my door
and tell me it was time to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet- these amazing women continued to show up every week and we learned
from each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We built
community and loved each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
shared each other’s burdens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
celebrated life and sometimes that got messy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continued to “lead” the group although what that really
meant is that I ultimately got the honor of claiming this group of woman as
mine.</div>
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I carry a lot of baggage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am imperfect perfection. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After many years of God using many truly inspiring people who
are much smarter than I will ever be, it finally dawned on me that there were
two Marys at the cross.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus
wanted both of them with Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
needed them both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Mary Magdalene
was good enough for Jesus, than I think I am as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can stop thinking that I am not good enough, that I don’t
have what takes to serve Jesus, and I can start being all that I am meant to be
by throwing myself at the foot of the cross where I was born to be in the first
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the choices I made in
the past were made for a purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I made them to make me who I am today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can stop wallowing in the guilt of not being the Mary who
was chosen to be the Mother of Jesus, and be thankful that I am exactly who
Jesus called me to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has a
plan for me, and that plan is full of grace and love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People tend to
classify Mary Magdalene as a second-class citizen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some say she was a prostitute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some say she was possessed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either way, she struggled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagine that she didn’t feel like she deserved to be
loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, she was at the side of
Jesus at many important events.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She was not a second-class citizen to Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither am I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Neither are you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all
good enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus sees us through
the perfection of the cross.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
is a beautiful thing.</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-28838720628727538332011-02-03T21:41:00.000-06:002011-02-03T21:41:23.933-06:00InvisibleI am invisible. I cannot be seen and most certainly cannot be heard. This only happens in my own home. Others seem to have no problem acknowledging my presence, hearing my ideas, seeing me as a person of worth, and even treating as a real live breathing human. Yet those whom I share my life with cannot grasp this concept. It is draining.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-17097424187656801782010-11-06T13:35:00.000-05:002010-11-06T13:35:22.608-05:00EnoughI feel like I have all this information that I want to share, and yet I never actually sit down get it out of my head. I have this dream of getting published, and so many people have told me I need to write a book, and yet- what does that look like? How does one go about making it happen? What happens if I actually sat down, wrote something resembling a book, it got published, and then nobody bought the thing? Do I have anything worth saying? What makes me an expert on anything? The flurry of activity of my life keeps me praying just to make it through the next hour most days. God puts many opportunities in front of me, and I am so grateful for them. I have an amazing life. I feel abundantly blessed. I also feel that I am not living up to the potential He placed in me. I am not using the gifts He has given to the best of my abilities. I waste a lot of time and squander blessings. I could be doing so much more for God. It makes me wonder what my life would look like if I did what I am truly capable of doing. It is a bit frustrating because I know that I am the one who is holding myself back. I fall into the same traps day after day. I have only myself to blame. God is there, calling out to me, showing me what to do, and I tell Him, "Just a minute. I will be right there." Before I know it, the day is over and I have thrown away 12 hours of possibilities for wasted time and broken promises. I feel like I am watching my life go by. I know what I want to do, and yet I am slow in getting it done. A few years back I felt like I could not relate to St. Paul at all, and now I feel like I am getting to know him more and more each day. Funny how God works and opens our eyes. The good in all of this is that I know that each day when I wake up my Savior still loves me. He still wants me to try to give him my best- no matter how pathetic the effort may be. To Him, it isn't pathetic at all. Each act of love I give to Him is beautiful. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem to me, it is given out of love, and that means everything to Him. He knows we are imperfect. He knows we cannot be perfect. That is why He went to the cross in the first place. He doesn't expect perfection from us. He just wants us. However we are, to come to Him each day, in whatever state we are in, and offer ourselves. He wants us to say "Here I am Lord- this is what you get today." It may be a little, or it may be a lot. Whatever it is, it is enough. That is how I get through each day. I give what I can, and know that He will bridge the gap. His love paid that price and it is enough, and therefore, I, too am enough. It is a beautiful thing.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-76248843474107953802010-05-27T08:38:00.000-05:002010-05-27T08:38:19.393-05:0042Yesterday was my birthday. I am not really big on celebrating my birthdays. It is just another day. I don't have high expectations, and therefore am not often disappointed. However, I do often wish and pray that for my birthday and Mother's Day ( and for the record, it does kind of stink that they are so close together) the children will actually get along. Two days of the year without screeching would be beautiful. Anyway- I woke up knowing that my grandma was with me. That was a gift in itself. I want her to live with me, and although I have not convinced her of that yet, she is at least staying with me for the time being. I walked down the stairs and saw that the recycling had been taken out, but not one bag of garbage had made it to the street! Seriously!?! It's my birthday!! It was <b>not</b> the way I wanted to start my day. I was angry. One of our daughters was told to empty the trash, and hadn't, but that didn't mean Jim didn't have to take out <i><b>any</b></i> of the garbage. I was fuming. I marched right into the victim role. Granted, this was on top of some other things that had been said and done recently, and it just added fuel to the fire. The morning flew by and soon it was time to head to school. As soon as I got there, the day morphed. Child after child ran up to me with birthday greetings. If I didn't acknowledge the greeting immediately, or with enough enthusiasm, the child would say it again, "Mrs. Woell, Mrs. Woell, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" It was quite cute. I forget how important birthdays are to kids. When we got upstairs from recess, the whole third grade told me Happy Birthday even though many of them already had told me individually. We went down to the computer lab and did our thing there. Near the end of lab time, the teacher had to step out to speak to the principal about something so I was having the kids finish up, log off and wrap up the head phones. As the kids lined up, they sang Happy Birthday to me. It was the never ending celebration. As I walked the halls of ILS, I was inundated with well wishes. It was amazing. I don't know how so many people knew it was my birthday, but they did. It was touching. It changed my whole outlook. It softened my heart. I got home and went on the computer and found message after message wishing me well. I also received text after text. Facebook is good for some things- automatic reminders about birthdays! It truly touched my heart- people taking the time from their day to let me know they were thinking about me. I am blessed. It brings a smile to my face even now. I love that my children's friends even took the time to write messages. It made what started as just another day and made it a celebration. It turned anger into joy and made me realize how truly loved I am. God is so good. Life is a celebration and birthdays are indeed fun.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-23903896949759159062010-04-02T21:59:00.000-05:002010-04-02T21:59:42.956-05:00missing my friendThis Easter has been an emotional one so far. The other day I was driving to school and listening to an interview with Amy Grant. She was talking about her family traditions. They have a big easter egg hunt. She has a bunch of sisters and they all have kids and some of the kids now have kids. Their hunt has some pretty big prizes. She was saying that she feels that faith is a lot like a hunt. It is a big adventure and you never know what you are going to find, but you know that it is going to be good. Then they played her acoustic version of "I can only imagine". I couldn't help myself. I lost it. It was Maundy Thursday, and I was heading to Chapel, and I immediately thought of Janet. I thought of how amazingly happy she was to be in Heaven and how she was no longer imagining what it was like, but I was. I knew immediately that she didn't want me to be sad for her, but I wasn't. I was sad for me. I miss her. I am sad for sweet Naomi who is facing each day without her amazing mommy. I am sad for John who is trying to figure out life without his soulmate. I am sad that Footsteps to the Cross happened and it was amazing, and Janet would have been so proud, but she wasn't here to see it. I am sad that this most joyous and triumphant of times is upon us and I am going to get to shout HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED! HALLELUJAH!! and Janet won't he here to hug me and give me a big Easter kiss. I miss our hugs, I miss our talks, I miss my Janet.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-24711472376211301142010-03-04T14:48:00.000-06:002010-03-04T14:48:05.805-06:00Sunshine dayWhere does the time go? I have so much to say and yet so little time to write. The days have been flying by and my girls have been growing before my eyes. I spent the fall in various doctors' offices. I am still having daily headaches, am still battling depression, am still 20 pounds overweight, am still living in a house that is hopelessly cluttered and disorganized. In many ways, life is still crazy busy and I am still treading water. However, I am seeing a new doctor, am taking a plethora of vitamins, am sticking to a workout routine, have lost almost 15 pounds, have found that I can tolerate acupuncture, and although my desk in the basement continues to feel overwhelming to me, I know that a journey begins with baby steps. At this very moment, I do feel content. In 15 seconds, that may change. The sun is shining today, so that helps. I feel the love of Jesus shining on me. I hear "You got a friend in me" coming from the upstairs bathroom as one of the girls take a shower and it reminds me that I put it on one of the tapes I made for Jim when the girls were born. It is on repeat so I am hearing it over and over. It makes me smile. Jim and I have been through a lot. He is my best friend. He has loved me through thick and thin. He stayed when it wasn't easy. He knows what it means to honor a vow. I am so grateful that God brought us together and showed us how to tough it out and fight for our marriage. It has helped us now fight for our health, for our kids, for our lives. We know we are not done fighting, but at least now we are fighting as a team. Today is a good day. Thanks for the sunshine God. Thanks for the love.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-13232316841327183752010-02-03T18:51:00.004-06:002010-02-03T18:53:17.251-06:00All is Well?<div>
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<li class="first" style="list-style-type: none; margin-top: 0px;">When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.<br />
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<li class="refrain" style="list-style-type: none; margin-left: 20px; margin-top: 1em;"><span class="refrain" style="font-style: italic;">Refrain:</span>
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.</li>
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<li style="list-style-type: none; margin-top: 1em;">Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.</li>
<li style="list-style-type: none; margin-top: 1em;">My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!</li>
<li style="list-style-type: none; margin-top: 1em;">For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.</li>
<li style="list-style-type: none; margin-top: 1em;">But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!</li>
<li style="list-style-type: none; margin-top: 1em;">And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.</li>
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To hear Chris Rice sing It is Well</div>
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A while back I wrote in another blog about things being well with my soul. Well this weekend in church it came back to haunt me. Sort of. We were sitting in church in our usual spot listening to the pre-service music. Vera was playing piano. I love piano. It is just awesome. "It is Well With My Soul" starts lilting its way through the sanctuary. It is just beautiful. I literally stopped what I was doing. Not that I was really doing anything- we were in church- it was pre-service. I was sitting anyway- I had prayed and we were waiting for the service to begin, but I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. Somewhere behind me a woman started to sing. Softly, but still. We're Lutheran. We don't sing the pre-service songs. The tears started flowing down my face. The music was beautiful, the woman behind me singing was beautiful, vera's playing was beautiful. It is a blur to me now, but I do know that when the music ended, I applauded. I believe I saw Vera wipe a tear away as well. We then went to Sunday school and after that Taryn was singing at Immanuel so we loaded the kids up and headed over there. It is always interesting to attend church there- especially in the same day as POP. Anyway, you are never going to believe what song the middle school sang: "It is Well With My Soul"! My jaw dropped. I bring it up because it made me realize that all is not well. When I wrote it in the other blog, it was true. I had such a sense of peace. However, lately I feel as though I have been fighting a lot of demons. I feel that God is bringing things to a head that I have been refusing to deal with for a very, very long time. These things were all very present when I wrote It is Well, and it was well, but in only one aspect of life. When I look at my life as a whole, it is amazing. However, I do have afflictions. I do have crosses to bear. I am just beginning to realize how often I put those crosses on my own shoulders instead of relying on Jesus. I am realizing how I do not trust in Him to fully release me from burdens. I tell Him I want to surrender, but I then expect Him to let me do that on my terms. I enjoy the grace of the Cross, and I can certainly live out a life of Faith with some works done out of Faith from the Joy of that Cross, but all is not well. I am nowhere near where I ought to be in my walk of Faith. There is so much more I can do to be like Jesus. I fail on so many levels each and every day. It is a miracle that Jim and the kids tolerate me much less love and adore me. I do not know why Jesus has poured down blessing after blessing on me, and I will never understand it. Grace is like that, I guess. Life is good, but there are still demons to wrestle. Things can look awesome from the outside, but struggles can still be present. I often wonder about Paul's "thorn". What if I struggle with the same thing he did? Would that make me feel better or worse? Hmmmm You know, now that I sit here and sing through the words again, I realize that even with my trials and struggles, even with the crosses I bear, All is most definitely well with my soul. Thank you Jesus. I am so in love with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-23723198504657728432010-02-03T18:51:00.002-06:002010-02-03T18:51:22.469-06:00http://www.lala.com/#search/it%20is%20well%20with%20my%20soulSteffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-60371299449798260812010-01-16T09:23:00.002-06:002010-01-16T09:50:42.335-06:00Julie, Julia & JanetSome friends & I got together last night to watch Julie & Julia. We had planned to watch it with Janet when it came it on video. Janet died before it came out, but we decided we were going to gather and watch it anyway. We toasted her and started watching. It is funny when you have a group of women together to watch a movie in a home. It isn't a theater. There was a lot of talking going on. We missed some parts of the movie. We had an entire table of food in front of us. It was a comfortable evening. I was with people whom I truly care about, who know me and my flaws, and still choose to spend time with me. Part of the movie was about Julie thinking that Julia saved her. Julie believes that Julia is perfect- that she never gets angry or makes mistakes in the kitchen. Julie's very wise husband tells her that it is the Julia in her head. I think we all do that- we turn other people into saints and forget that nobody is perfect. The best part of last night is that it didn't turn into a night of Remembering Janet the Saint. Instead, we gathered, we enjoyed each other's company, we had true fellowship. It wasn't as though Janet was present there with us- I am not going to tell you that I felt her presence in the room with us- as a matter of fact I think that would have freaked me out a bit, but I can tell you that the night was exactly as it would have been had Janet been there. It was fun and carefree. It was real. It was friends who love each other and know that community is important. It was sisters in Christ who know that God's plan doesn't always make sense, bit it does have a purpose, and His plan has done great things in all of our lives. It was women who were grateful to know Janet and were blessed by knowing her, and will always love her. It was a perfect night shared by imperfect women. God is good!Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-26981749563594667332009-12-01T07:25:00.002-06:002009-12-01T09:02:54.868-06:00My friend is dyingThere it is. In black and white. It is so stark. So bold. I am not sure how to wrap my mind around it. I have known it for a few years, actually, but I have been holding out for a miracle. I still am. Yet this morning, I am feeling like I should start preparing myself in case the miracle doesn't arrive. Up until now, I fully believed and expected God to deliver. I didn't allow myself to think about saying good-bye. It just wasn't a possibility. Janet was going to be here to see Naomi head off to the first day of school, the first school play, the first school sporting event, the first school dance, the first day of high school, then college, and be there to see her get married. Now I have to be ready for the possibility that Jim and I will be there with John but no Janet. I don't deal with change well, and trying to reconcile this is not going well. A miracle would be so awesome. Janet would touch so many lives- she already has touched so many lives- how many more would be touched if she stayed with us? I need a miracle. I don't want to bury my friend. I am still struggling with so many of my own demons as this all plays out in my head and the Bible verses are running through my mind, I just wonder how God is going to use it all. How is Janet's death going to be used for good? How is Naomi going to be better without Janet? It is because I cannot reconcile those questions that I realize that I have very little faith and I go back to my original stance of needing a miracle. I cannot see how it can be in God's plan for it to be better for Janet to return home to heaven, so I hold out for a miracle. I refuse to believe in anything else. I know I should be rejoicing that she will no longer be in any pain. I should be thankful that she will be with Jesus. I should be praising God for bringing her home. I am not. I can pay lip service to all those things. I know that she will be pain free. I know that she wants to be with her Savior. I don't have the faith it takes to let her go. I can say that I do, but in reality, when push comes to shove, I want her here. I will be there for Naomi on all those firsts, because I told Janet that I would, but I am not ready. I want Janet to be there. I should know that I don't have to worry about finding the strength because it won't come from me, it will come from God, but I don't have the faith to believe that it will be there. I can pretend to be a pillar of strength, but the truth is I just really want to have my friend. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want John to have to walk alone. I don't Naomi to wake up one day without a mom. I am not mad at God. I just don't understand. My friend is dying.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-85537084550008844922009-10-09T15:21:00.003-05:002009-10-09T15:45:22.156-05:00I am past the halfway point of raising of my first born daughter. I mean to the point where she will be off at college on her own. It is terrifying and liberating at the same time. We sent her to a Lutheran school with amazing teachers. We are at a vibrant church with an explosive youth ministry. We are trying our best to set an example of a personal relationship with our Saviour. We feel we have deep roots in our faith to give to our children. When we give them wings we fully expect them to fly. We know it is not up to us, but all up to our Loving Father. We feel so blessed that God has chosen us to be parents to the 4 beautiful, talented, spirited daughters we have. My heart overflows when I look at each one of my girls. They are unique individuals, and each one has the ability to drive me to knees- either in praise for the blessing she brings or in pain begging God for respite from the bickering that pervades a house with 4 females only 6 years apart! In either case, on a day like today, where they are not around all day and I am in a quiet house, I am reminded just how full my life is because of my children. I am not made to be still. I am wired to be moving, to be in action. I love serving, using my gifts to be doing something. I have enjoyed the time to be going through things, and getting things organized, but I couldn't do it every day. I like to be on the move!Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-73193466229190945792009-10-09T11:20:00.002-05:002009-10-09T11:35:03.784-05:00It is raining today. A crisp fall day. 3 of the kids do not have school and yet I am alone in the house. It is supposed to be a productive day. So far I have not been that productive. I have a lot to get done. My house is in shambles and my life has been running at warp speed. I feel the need to write, so here I sit. I have music playing and I hear the familiar tick tock of the clock. It is reassuring. The mess is waiting for me. I am going to attack it room by room. I feel like I also have thousands of ideas in my head waiting to burst out and not enough time to let them all out. I wonder how things got so busy, so out of control. I love my children, my spouse, my life. I wouldn't change the way I spend my days. I am so blessed to be able to volunteer in school. I love doing what I do. I am involved in my children's lives. I know their teachers, I know what happens in their days. I am at their games, at their field trips, at the school store. They even know me at the high school. I feel I am right where God wants me to be. Yet, it is still chaotic. That doesn't seem right. Somewhere I am missing the mark. I am trying to discern where it is I am not hearing His voice. I truly believe that if you are doing what God wills, you will not feel overwhelmed. There are many days I feel overwhelmed. I do not like living in a disorganized, cluttered house, and mine is the definition of one. The basement is a scary place to be. I don't like it. My goal this weekend is to bring the house back to the level of organization that is to a standard where I will not be embarrassed to have people see how we live. Then I can take a deep breath and face the day. I know God will direct my path, give me strength and get me through the weekend. I may very well be a new woman by tuesday!Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-62973353754311220892009-09-25T09:26:00.003-05:002009-09-25T09:41:58.993-05:00Rainbows and open eyes<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I saw a rainbow today. It was perfect timing. My life is a little out of control lately. I was in the car at the end of a 30 minute wasted trip in the corridor of waste as I like to call the strip of car lots that line the way to get to my home. I was behind a moron who inexplicibly had to slow down to go up a tiny little bump due to the never ending construction that is present in the northwest suburbs. I almost rear-ended said moron as I turned left and then I saw the beautiful rainbow. I giggled "OOOH look at the rainbow!!!" out loud even though I was alone in the car. I then realized the lyrics to the song that was playing in the van. "Your name is Jesus. Your name is Jesus.
You’re the Wonderful, Counselor, my Friend.
You’re what I hold on to; I know that you brought me through
All the days of loss, to the cross you knew
I’d need a Savior.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">How amazing is that? God is so good. It was right in front of me. I have been stuck concentrating on all the things to the side of the road instead of looking at what was right in front of me. I didn't see the beauty. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I continued driving so thankful that God gave me a gift to see the beauty of the rainbow. It took the tenseness of the morning away. It was only 9:15- but the morning had already been filled with chaos. I had done my devotions. It was supposed to keep me centered. The rainbow had brought it back. My vision had been distorted. The next song started with these words: </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">
</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I think my day will go much better now. My eyes have been opened.
</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 10px;">
</span></div></div>Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-76458943537847713622009-06-10T21:10:00.003-05:002009-06-11T22:39:06.845-05:00DisappointmentOur church family suffered a great tragedy this week. A tragedy that reminds us how precious life is, how important it is to love one another unconditionally, and from the center of who we are. I have spent the last two days wrestling with God and crying, getting angry, staring in disbelief, praying, and then starting all over. Yet tonight I had a conversation with someone I love about something that is not going well in my life and I am left feeling very disappointed in this person. Considering the tragedy that I find myself immersed in, I should be loving this person without regard to how I am made to feel by his/her actions. Yet, I am hurt. As a result of that hurt, I want to put up walls and defend myself from further hurt. For me, that means not speaking for awhile. This is my routine. I need time to sort things out, to let them make sense to me, to come to some sort of rational conclusion. I need to calm down. I need the hurt to go away so the anger will go away and I can move on. However, this person does not roll that way. This person wants to talk things through immediately. This person is a pleaser. This person does not like it when people are angry with him/her. In this instance he/she is angry, so it probably doesn't matter, but it is really difficult for me, because I don't want to be angry, especially when it has become so evident to me to not take love for granted; and yet, I cannot help how I feel. I am having this conversation with God and it feels as though I am talking in a foreign language because the words are coming so quickly. The odd thing is I had dreams for two nights in a row that I was angry with this person before any of this happened. I thought it was quite peculiar, and was perplexed. I know I will never figure out the mind of God, but sometimes I would just like to know a little. Even just a little of His plan for me on any given day. I don't want to save the World- I just want to discern His will for me! Ever since I began praying for surrender, I have been seeing over and over how He has been giving me "opportunities" to truly surrender. It has been the most difficult period of my life to date- and also the most fulfilling in many ways. I still feel as if I am barely getting by, and I know that cannot be way He intends me to feel, and yet I am seeking another way through Him and haven't found His answer. I have amazing support, and I know I will get His answer, but it is nights like tonight when I am amazingly disappointed by someone who Christ Himself sent to me as one of my strongest supporters on a regular basis, that I feel as though I am adrift at sea. I am so thankful that I am at a point in my life that my reaction is now to immediately pray and let the tears of disappointment flow instead of react in anger. I have come a long way, but I have so far to go, and I am still not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing. Is my call to write a book? Is it to parent? Is it to teach? Do I go back to work? What are the answers? I know God knows, and I want Him to clearly tell me. Is that asking too much?Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-44233316833409752302009-04-27T07:16:00.005-05:002009-04-27T08:25:54.896-05:00routineIt is a monday morning. The girls just got on the bus. It is amazing how quickly we settle back into our routines. Last week I was in West Virginia on a mission trip with Aislin and her class. We spent the week with the most amazing people. My work group was working on an addition for a church. It will be a Fellowship Hall for a Nazarene Church. We wired a few rooms, hung some drywall, moved some things, cleaned up, burned some trash, basically did whatever they told us to do. It didn't seem like much, but they kept telling us how much we got done and how helpful it was to them. It was an uplifting week. The best part was seeing the 8th graders working together and having fun while doing whatever we needed them to do. It is somewhat of a let-down to be back to a normal routine now. Sitting at a kitchen table going through email and checking blogs just doesn't seem so important. I have always said that being a stay at home mom is one of the most important jobs there is and unfortunately it comes with the least amount of tangible recognition. Perhaps that is why I am wrestling with so many emotions this morning. It is not that there were tangible rewards last week- but there was a sense of purpose and accomplishment. The people we worked with were so grateful and so kind. I really felt good about being there and wanted to get to know them and grew to care about them in the short time we were there. Then it is back to the same old routine here. Children bickering, taking everything for granted, not even beginning to understand how amazingly blessed they are. West Virginia was a breath of fresh air, and I pray that I don't let the routine overtake the blessing that was given to me last week. Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-61802074317064563122009-04-13T22:01:00.003-05:002009-04-13T22:24:38.028-05:00spiralsSometimes things just keep spiraling. There are days when things are just really really good and there are others when things are just not good. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It is much like the seasons. There have been times in my life when I have felt really in tune with God. I have felt His presence and "heard" his voice. Not audibly, mind you, but I felt His direction, His calling. I knew I was headed in the right direction and I had a clear purpose. There have been other times when I begged Him to make things clear, when I wanted to have discernment and just felt like I was wandering in the wilderness. Those are very isolating times. It does not matter how many people surround you- there is still an overwhelming sense of isolation and abandonment. Decisions needing to be made, tasks need to be completed, appointments needing to be made, and all of it going by so quickly, with nothing really getting accomplished with any real meaning. Those are the times when I beg God to let me know what I am missing, what I am still holding on to, what have I not surrendered to Him, that is keeping me from hearing His voice, from the clarity that I seek. When all is disconnected, I know I just need to reconnect to Him, and then all will fall back into place, but sometimes that is not so easy to do. Although God does love us as we are, in our imperfection, those flaws run deep and block many blessings. Imperfection makes a difficult path to follow. Even when things are good, they are flawed. It is bound to crack at some point. It gets tiring. It makes one wonder why God bothered with earth at all. Why not skip the imperfect earth. Why let us mess things up for thousands of years. Why not just skip it all and head right to Heaven. Then I think to those glimpses of Heaven I have seen on earth- the pure joy the moment of giving birth, holding a newborn baby, every time a child says "I love you mommy", the strength I feel in my grip of my husband's fingers as they wrap around mine, the tenderness of his touch when he gently moves my hair out of my eyes, the love I have for my daughters and the way my heart swells when I hear them singing together, the joy they give me when they hug each other just for fun- those moments of heaven on earth that make me so thankful that God did bother with earth and gave me the time to be disconnected. Now when I am connected, I can remember to be that much more thankful, and to be purposeful with that time, and to cherish it, and to remember it is a gift.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-25083470355575464462009-04-12T10:18:00.000-05:002009-04-12T10:19:31.115-05:00HE IS RISEN!!! HE IS RISEN INDEED!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-75142516504578911912009-04-11T10:51:00.002-05:002009-04-11T11:14:42.499-05:00BlessingsI was reading my devotions the other day and I hit a speed bump. It was talking about how we have to get to a point where we don't just go to God or appreciate Him for blessings, but love Him for who He is. I get the point of that to a degree, but I also think that God Himself is a Blessing. My journey with God is a blessing. Walking with God is a blessing. Waking up each morning knowing I am a redeemed child of God is a blessing. Knowing that no matter what happens throughout the day I am secure in the knowledge of an eternal life in Heaven is a blessing. Maybe that is what the author was getting at, but it was not the way I read it. In any case, it has made me think this entire week. Holy Week is an amazing week. It is so filled with emotions. From <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">jubilation</span> on Palm Sunday to deep fellowship on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Maundy</span> Thursday to such agony on Good Friday. The choir sang an awesome song last night- What have We done. It was an amazing way to sum up what happened on the cross and the anguish of the people that were there and how we feel now when we do those things that we should not do, but continue to do over and over. It was emotional to hear the choir sing. We started a new tradition and watched the Passion of the Christ when we got home. We sent the 2 youngest to bed, but the 2 oldest watched it with us. The 12 year old covered her eyes for a lot of it. It was good for us to watch together. I kept reminding them (and myself) that Jesus knew the price that He would pay and He paid it willingly. He chose the cross. His love is that great. We got to bed late, but I am glad that we took the time to watch it. I think it was a good thing for the girls to see with us. It was a good thing for me to see again. The anguish of it all breaks your heart and reminds you just how much love Jesus has for each one of us. It can only be a blessing.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-34301062922321422009-03-18T13:18:00.002-05:002009-03-18T13:41:57.748-05:00ScatteredSo far Lent has been scattered. We are 3 weeks into Lent, and it has flown by. It is still difficult to put things into proper priority. There is a proper order, but it is often confusing trying to figure out just exactly what that is. My devotions have been focused on God's calling. I have often struggled with the story of Jesus telling the man to leave all his possessions and follow him (Jesus). The man then asks to bury his father. Jesus tells him to let the dead bury the dead. That is where I struggle. I have a hard time finding the balance between putting Jesus first and taking care of myself so I can take care of others. I consider my family my first church, so how can I neglect them to do other "godly" things? It is a balancing act that I don't balance very well. The more time I spend in prayer and in the Word, the more I wonder about what I am doing and how I should continue. I love volunteering at school and spending time there, and feel called to do so. However, there are things at home that have to get done. How do I make the time to make sure they get done? How do I make the time to take care of myself in the way that the doctors are telling is now a necessity? There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done. I know that God does not make mistakes, so surely He did not give me more children than I have time to nurture, did he? Six people in a family makes for a lot of stuff- and a lot of things to clean up, clothes to wash, to dry, to fold, to put away, papers to go through, to file, bills to pay, just a lot of things to do. Yet, I also know that ALL things are possible with God, so I just need to stop trying to do it all myself and start letting Him take control and maybe instead of being in the passenger seat I need to get in the back seat. Although I am a back seat driver. I am starting to have a few revelations about myself- I think God is slowly leaking information that I can finally handle- and it is starting to sink in. There might be some interesting posts to come in the future.....<div>
</div>Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-45449388551532801262009-02-25T19:04:00.002-06:002009-02-25T20:14:36.973-06:00Ash WednesdayToday is Ash Wednesday. We had our Paczkis yesterday to celebrate Fat Tuesday. I thought about being good and not having any, especially since I haven't been able to walk in over a week due to the bronchitis, but I just didn't have the willpower. Chocolate with custard. Yum. It was delightful. I went to chapel this morning and thought the Pastor did a nice job of explaining Ash Wednesday to the kids. Gretchen always comes and sits with me. I love that she still sits on my lap for chapel. Even Aislin and Taryn came to say hi to me today. It was a nice surprise. I was able to get to Curves and get a walk in, so I am back to a routine- except I didn't have Crossways because of the Ash Wednesday service. I like Ash Wednesday. I like having ashes on my forehead when I pick up the girls from school. It always starts great discussions. I love hearing what the girls are thinking about and how their minds are working as they get older. I also want them to know that my faith is important to me, and that my days are spent doing things with God, just like they do in Religion class. I don't want them to think that you ever get too old for God. I want them to see life as a journey with God, one that grows and grows over time, and that only ends in Heaven. I want to lead by example for my children. I don't want to have expectations for them that I don't have for myself. I think that I may like Ash Wednesday so much because it is a day that reminds us to repent. It is a day that reminds us that we fail each and every day to live the lives that we could. It is a day that reminds us that our Lord and Savior went to the cross out of love for us. It is a day that reminds us that no matter what we have done, are doing, or will do, our Savior loves us and forgives us each and every time we repent. Our family does "give up" something for Lent. We discuss it each year and let the girls decide if they want to participate. We use it as a tool for the girls to see how difficult it can be to sacrifice something they like. It is by no means any comparison to the sacrifice Christ made, but it does give them a glimpse into the depth of His love. He didn't have to go through with it. He chose to go to the tree. His love was that strong, that true. Ash Wednesday is the start of the build-up to Easter when we can sing Lift High the Cross and I Know My Redeemer Lives. It is a somber day, but it is also the start of the party. It is reverent, but I think I love it because I know how the story ends. I can feel the excitement building, and I want to share the story. I want everyone to know that it doesn't end with the ashes, it doesn't end with the "giving up", it doesn't even end at the cross. It ends at the empty tomb! It ends when My Redeemer Lives! He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! Hallelujah!!!!Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6494517068984276268.post-84887075095274222172009-02-24T09:04:00.004-06:002009-02-24T10:52:57.909-06:00StrengthA family member made a life altering decision recently. I am in awe of the strength it took to do so. I am so proud of her. It is quite possibly the hardest decision she will ever have to make, and she did it with grace and dignity. I talked with her shortly after wards to offer support and encouragement and she was telling me that she was surprised at how she felt. She thought she was going to be a mess, but she really was doing much better than she had thought. She is a planner, and for the first time in her life, she had no plan. Everything she had thought was going to be happening in her life was now up for grabs. The direction her life was taking had all of a sudden taken a huge change. She said she was really ok. It was so reassuring to hear her say that. I told her that she needed to remember that Jesus lives inside of each of us, and when we feel that sense of peace it is because it is coming from Him. I am just blown away by the maturity and faith that is being exhibited. I don't know that I would have been able to do the same thing at her age. She was so concerned that she was setting a good example for my girls- she didn't want to disappoint me or them. I let her know that I was nothing but proud of her and that she is amazing example for my girls. She made a difficult decision- and one that most definitely goes against the tide of society- but she stayed true to herself, she stayed true to her faith, and she stayed true to what she believed to be the best decision in the long run. I believe God gave her the strength to do what was right, even though it was very very difficult. I am so proud of her for doing it, and for relying on His strength to get her through. She is an amazing young woman, and I am honored to be in her family.Steffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08696964451700382869noreply@blogger.com0