spirals

Sometimes things just keep spiraling.  There are days when things are just really really good and there are others when things are just not good.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  It is much like the seasons.  There have been times in my life when I have felt really in tune with God.  I have felt His presence and "heard" his voice.  Not audibly, mind you, but I felt His direction, His calling.  I knew I was headed in the right direction and I had a clear purpose.  There have been other times when I begged Him to make things clear, when I wanted to have discernment and just felt like I was wandering in the wilderness.  Those are very isolating times.  It does not matter how many people surround you- there is still an overwhelming sense of isolation and abandonment.  Decisions needing to be made,  tasks need to be completed, appointments needing to be made, and all of it going by so quickly, with nothing really getting accomplished with any real meaning.  Those are the times when I beg God to let me know what I am missing, what I am still holding on to, what have I not surrendered to Him, that is keeping me from hearing His voice, from the clarity that I seek.  When all is disconnected, I know I just need to reconnect to Him, and then all will fall back into place, but sometimes that is not so easy to do.  Although God does love us as we are, in our imperfection, those flaws run deep and block many blessings.  Imperfection makes a difficult path to follow.  Even when things are good, they are flawed.  It is bound to crack at some point.  It gets tiring.  It makes one wonder why God bothered with earth at all.  Why not skip the imperfect earth.  Why let us mess things up for thousands of years.  Why not just skip it all and head right to Heaven.  Then I think to those glimpses of Heaven I have seen on earth- the pure joy the  moment of giving  birth,  holding a newborn baby,  every time a child says "I love you mommy",  the strength I feel in my grip of my husband's  fingers as they wrap around mine,  the tenderness of his touch when he gently moves my hair out of my eyes, the love I have for my daughters and the way my heart swells when I hear them singing together, the joy they give me when they hug each other just for fun- those moments of heaven on earth that make me so thankful that God did bother with earth and gave me the time to be disconnected.  Now when I am connected, I can remember to be that much more thankful, and to be purposeful with that time, and to cherish it, and to remember it is a gift.