Ordinary Life Extraordinary Gift

I believe that sometimes I get so wrapped up in thinking about what it is that God wants me to be doing with my life that I forget about what it is that I am already doing.  I get caught up  thinking about grand and glorious plans and ways of making big and amazing differences on a global scale that I don't see what is right in front of me.  I have been charged with the honor of raising 4 daughters.  I have made a vow to love a man.  God gave me these gifts.  He brought people into my life and sometimes (oftentimes) I get so caught up in serving others (in the name of serving my family) that I ignore the very people that God gave to me to love first and foremost directly after Him. I am out to change the world and I neglect the people I have been asked by God Himself to raise as His disciples.  Don't get me wrong- my children are by no means neglected- I am with them day in and day out and I cook and clean and am at their every event. However, am I doing the most amount of good I can for them?  Am I being the best example I can?  Am I showing them that being their mom is truly a gift? I want them to know that if all I did in life was to raise them to be godly women then it would be more than enough.  I would have made all the difference I need in the world.  God would have worked through me to do more than I could have ever imagined.  I want my everyday to be enough of a miracle that I count it as amazing.  My prayer is that I allow God to guide my steps and move from knowing that His will be done to living His will.  That is when my ordinary life will become an extraordinary gift.

I don't know what life God has intended for me, but I am quite sure that the one I am living isn't it.  The treadmill rat race of never ending craziness certainly cannot be the plan for me- or anyone.  There are moments of brilliance, and joy and love and even contentment, but overall, the restlessness pervades my soul and tells me He has more for me than this.  On my good days, I ask Him to show me what it is that I need to do to follow His will and get my act together to do what He has planned for me.  On my not so good days I get angry or sad or even a little depressed and wonder why I have wasted so many years trying to do His will only to have failed so miserably.  I then pray and look to Scripture and think maybe this or that is my cross to bear and what is in it for me to learn, how can I be a better person from this, what can I take from it, how is God speaking to me, and I contemplate my life and all the good that is in it and all the blessings I have on a daily basis.  I cannot complain.  I have been blessed and blessed abundantly. I am surrounded with people who love me and comforts that the majority of the people in the world can only dream about.  Yet, I still feel like I still have not found my true calling.  I know what I love to do and where I find small moments of peace, and yet do not know how to do that on a daily basis and make life work.  My soul aches for the feeling of belonging.  Perhaps I have finally come to the point where I realize that I am not home, and I will not lose that restlessness until I sit at the feet of Jesus.  Maybe I need to shift my focus and remember that my life here is only to prepare me for eternity with Jesus.  I am not supposed to feel like this is all there is because there is so much more waiting for me.  Instead of waiting for more than earth can give, I can just find the joy that is here and be content with all that it does offer and remember what is to come.  That could be a game changer.  Instead of asking the question "Is this all there is?"  It turns into a statement- "This is all I need, because I have so much more waiting for me!"

excited

Sometime ago, I was asked to contribute to a book of essays that was going to be compiled by Margaret McSweeney.  It was about lessons and legacies of faith.  I knew right away I wanted to tweak what I had written for my grandma's funeral.  It was exciting and daunting.  All of the proceeds from the book go in full to WINGS (Women In Need Growing Stronger), an organization located in the suburbs of Chicago, and Hands of Hope, which helps women and children in Africa.  I am honored to be a part of this project and am so excited to hold the finished product in my hand.  God is so good, and this is awesome!  Check it out at http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Pearl-Luminous-Lessons-Iridescent/dp/1462401589/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338931304&sr=8-1

This is my life

Where does the time go?  It has been almost a year since my last post.  I have been writing a lot, but just not posting. God is growing me in ways I never imagined, and if I could, I would be able to fill several books with all the ways that God is showing me how He is at work in my life- even when it is difficult.  My life is running at full speed at all times, but with four children, a husband, and a big extended family, I expect it to be that way.  I take the quiet when I can, and really try to listen.  We have had some major changes in our lives in the last year, and it has not been easy.  Life can be disappointing.  Even though my world is relatively small as far as I am surrounded by people who at first glance are seemingly just like me, I am constantly amazed at just how different people are once you see what is truly important to them.  Several things have come to light over the past year that have shown me that people are not always who they seem.  In some ways it is good, because I have learned good things about people that I would have never known otherwise.  It reaffirmed that Jesus is the only one who will never let you down or disappoint you.  It still does not make it easier when those disappointments occur.  I have so far to go in my faith, and yet sometimes is seems like I am constantly being broken down to be made stronger.  Just when I think I cannot take anymore, or the whirlwind that is my life is going to finally catch up with me, something happens that fills me with peace or strength or love that sustains me.  I must be wired to need to live at a frenetic pace. I don't know what to do without a full schedule.  God is in control, and He will get me through.  My life is crazy, and it is busy, but it is also fun, and full of laughter and really good people who love much more than I deserve.  It is a rich and rewarding life.

Good enough to be Mary

When I was little my school had an amazing Christmas pageant.  I distinctly remember wanting to be chosen as Mary.  Year after year I was disappointed.  Every time they chose a blonde girl to play the part.  Seems funny to me now, seeing as my dark hair and olive skin would probably be much more culturally correct.  There was a sense of importance to the role.  Mary was the mother of Jesus.  She was the chosen one.  She did everything right.  She set a standard for girls to follow.    In high school my youth group did a live nativity and I finally got to play Mary.  Riding that donkey in the freezing night was amazing.  I will never win an Oscar, but I don’t think it would ever compare to those nights of being Mary.  They were nights filled with awe- thinking of what the real Mary much have thought as she travelled with Joseph.  Why had God chosen her?  What was her life going to become? The life that was growing inside her was the Savior of the World.  An incredible blessing. 

Years passed and I grew up.  God worked in my life and I felt his presence in many ways.  I ended up being a small group leader at an amazing church.  One day one of my small group members walked into group with someone new….the new pastor’s wife!  Now, this was not the first time this had happened to me.  Over the course of my group’s “life” many of the church’s leader’s spouses ended up in my group.  I say this simply because it is important and it shows how God works in our lives.  The thing is, I loved my group.  It was an amazing group of Godly women.  The longer I led it, the more I realized how amazing they truly were.  I also began to realize just how far I had to go on my own spiritual journey.  I had never thought I had my act together or even knew for sure why I was leading a small group.  I certainly didn’t feel qualified.  I just loved Jesus.   I liked community and wanted to serve.  I joined a group and when that group grew and it was time to birth, they asked me to lead.  I prayed about it, felt led to say yes, and people actually showed up!  Here is the thing though- I felt like I had a group of Mother Marys and my resume looked more like that of Mary Magdalene.  I had no idea why these women would be looking to me as a leader.  They were the ones who had it together.  They made much better choices than I had.  My demons were still raging within.  I still woke up each day and wondered if the real adults were going to show up at my door and tell me it was time to go.  Yet- these amazing women continued to show up every week and we learned from each other.  We built community and loved each other.  We shared each other’s burdens.  We celebrated life and sometimes that got messy.  I continued to “lead” the group although what that really meant is that I ultimately got the honor of claiming this group of woman as mine.

I carry a lot of baggage.  I am imperfect perfection.  After many years of God using many truly inspiring people who are much smarter than I will ever be, it finally dawned on me that there were two Marys at the cross.  Jesus wanted both of them with Him.  He needed them both.  If Mary Magdalene was good enough for Jesus, than I think I am as well.  I can stop thinking that I am not good enough, that I don’t have what takes to serve Jesus, and I can start being all that I am meant to be by throwing myself at the foot of the cross where I was born to be in the first place.  All the choices I made in the past were made for a purpose.  I made them to make me who I am today.  I can stop wallowing in the guilt of not being the Mary who was chosen to be the Mother of Jesus, and be thankful that I am exactly who Jesus called me to be.  He has a plan for me, and that plan is full of grace and love.   People tend to classify Mary Magdalene as a second-class citizen.  Some say she was a prostitute.  Some say she was possessed.   Either way, she struggled.  I imagine that she didn’t feel like she deserved to be loved.  Yet, she was at the side of Jesus at many important events.  She was not a second-class citizen to Jesus.  Neither am I.  Neither are you.  We are all good enough.  Jesus sees us through the perfection of the cross.  That is a beautiful thing.

Invisible

I am invisible.  I cannot be seen and most certainly cannot be heard.  This only happens in my own home.  Others seem to have no problem acknowledging my presence, hearing my ideas, seeing me as a person of worth, and even treating as a real live breathing human.  Yet those whom I share my life with cannot grasp this concept.  It is draining.

Enough

I feel like I have all this information that I want to share, and yet I never actually sit down get it out of my head.  I have this dream of getting published, and so many people have told me I need to write a book, and yet- what does that look like?  How does one go about making it happen?  What happens if I actually sat down, wrote something resembling a book,  it got published, and then nobody bought the thing?  Do I have anything worth saying?  What makes me an expert on anything?  The flurry of activity of my life keeps me praying just to make it through the next hour most days.  God puts many opportunities in front of me, and I am so grateful for them.  I have an amazing life.  I feel abundantly blessed.  I also feel that I am not living up to the potential He placed in me.  I am not using the gifts He has given to the best of my abilities.  I waste a lot of time and squander blessings.  I could be doing so much more for God.  It makes me wonder what my life would look like if I did what I am truly capable of doing.  It is a bit frustrating because I know that I am the one who is holding myself back.  I fall into the same traps day after day.  I have only myself to blame.  God is there, calling out to me, showing me what to do, and I tell Him, "Just a minute.  I will be right there."  Before I know it, the day is over and I have thrown away 12 hours of possibilities for wasted time and broken promises.  I feel like I am watching my life go by.  I know what I want to do, and yet I am slow in getting it done.  A few years back I felt like I could not relate to St. Paul at all, and now I feel like I am getting to know him more and more each day.  Funny how God works and opens our eyes.  The good in all of this is that I know that each day when I wake up my Savior still loves me.  He still wants me to try to give him my best- no matter how pathetic the effort may be.  To Him, it isn't pathetic at all.  Each act of love I give to Him is beautiful.  No matter how small or insignificant it may seem to me, it is given out of love, and that means everything to Him.  He knows we are imperfect.  He knows we cannot be perfect.  That is why He went to the cross in the first place.  He doesn't expect perfection from us.  He just wants us.  However we are, to come to Him each day, in whatever state we are in, and offer ourselves.  He wants us to say "Here I am Lord- this is what you get today."  It may be a little, or it may be a lot.  Whatever it is, it is enough.  That is how I get through each day.  I give what I can, and know that He will bridge the gap.  His love paid that price and it is enough, and therefore, I, too am enough.  It is a beautiful thing.

42

Yesterday was my birthday.  I am not really big on celebrating my birthdays.  It is just another day.  I don't have high expectations, and therefore am not often disappointed.  However, I do often wish and pray that for my birthday and Mother's Day ( and for the record, it does kind of stink that they are so close together) the children will actually get along.  Two days of the year without screeching would be beautiful.  Anyway- I woke up knowing that my grandma was with me.  That was a gift in itself.  I want her to live with me, and although I have not convinced her of that yet,  she is at least staying with me for the time being.  I walked down the stairs and saw that the recycling had been taken out, but not one bag of garbage had made it to the street!  Seriously!?!  It's my birthday!! It was not the way I wanted to start my day.  I was angry.  One of our daughters was told to empty the trash, and hadn't, but that didn't mean Jim didn't have to take out any of the garbage.  I was fuming.  I marched right into the victim role. Granted, this was on top of some other things that had been said and done recently, and it just added fuel to the fire.  The morning flew by and soon it was time to head to school.  As soon as I got there, the day morphed.  Child after child ran up to me with birthday greetings.  If I didn't acknowledge the greeting immediately, or with enough enthusiasm, the child would say it again, "Mrs. Woell, Mrs. Woell, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" It was quite cute.  I forget how important birthdays are to kids.  When we got upstairs from recess, the whole third grade told me Happy Birthday even though many of them already had told me individually.  We went down to the computer lab and did our thing there. Near the end of lab time, the teacher had to step out to speak to the principal about something so I was having the kids finish up, log off and wrap up the head phones.  As the kids lined up, they sang Happy Birthday to me.  It was the never ending celebration.  As I walked the halls of ILS, I was inundated with well wishes.  It was amazing.  I don't know how so many people knew it was my birthday, but they did.  It was touching.  It changed my whole outlook.  It softened my heart.  I got  home and went on the computer and found message after message wishing me well.  I also    received  text after text.   Facebook is good for some things-  automatic reminders about birthdays!  It truly touched my heart- people taking the time from their day to let me know they were thinking about me.  I am blessed.  It brings a smile to my face even now.  I love that my children's friends even took the time to write messages.  It made what started as just another day and made it a celebration.  It turned anger into joy and made me realize how truly loved I am.  God is so good.  Life is a celebration and birthdays are indeed fun.

missing my friend

This Easter has been an emotional one so far.  The other day I was driving to school and listening to an interview with Amy Grant.  She was talking about her family traditions.  They have a big easter egg hunt.  She has a bunch of sisters and they all have kids and some of the kids now have kids.  Their hunt has some pretty big prizes.  She was saying that she feels that faith is a lot like a hunt.  It is a big adventure and you never know what you are going to find, but you know that it is going to be good.   Then  they played her acoustic version of "I can only imagine".  I couldn't help myself.  I lost it.  It was Maundy Thursday, and I was heading to Chapel, and I immediately thought of Janet.  I thought of how amazingly happy she was to be in Heaven and how she was no longer imagining what it was like, but I was.  I knew immediately that she didn't want me to be sad for her, but I wasn't.  I was sad for me.  I miss her.  I am sad for sweet Naomi who is facing each day without her amazing mommy.  I am sad for John who is trying to figure out life without his soulmate.  I am sad that  Footsteps to the Cross happened and it was amazing, and Janet would have been so proud, but she wasn't here to see it.  I am sad that this most joyous and triumphant of times is upon us and I am going to get to shout HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED! HALLELUJAH!! and Janet won't he here to hug me and give me a big Easter kiss.  I miss our hugs, I miss our talks, I miss my Janet.

Sunshine day

Where does the time go?  I have so  much to say and yet so little time to write.  The days have been flying by and my girls have been growing before my eyes.  I spent the fall in various doctors' offices.  I am still having daily headaches,  am still battling depression, am still 20 pounds overweight, am  still  living in a house that is hopelessly cluttered and disorganized.  In many ways, life is still crazy busy and I am still treading water.  However, I am seeing a new doctor, am taking a plethora of vitamins, am sticking to a workout routine, have lost almost 15 pounds, have found that I can tolerate acupuncture, and although my desk in the basement continues to feel overwhelming to me, I know that a journey begins with baby steps.  At this very moment, I do feel content.  In 15 seconds, that may change.  The sun is shining today, so that helps.  I feel the love of Jesus shining on me.  I hear "You got a friend in me" coming from the upstairs bathroom as one of the girls take a shower and it reminds me that I put it on one of the tapes I made for Jim when the girls were born.  It is on repeat so I am hearing it over and over.  It makes me smile.  Jim and I have been through a lot.  He is my best friend.  He has loved me through thick and thin.  He stayed when it wasn't easy.  He knows what it means to honor a vow.  I am so grateful that God brought us together and showed us how to tough it out and fight for our marriage.  It has helped us now fight for our health, for our kids, for our lives.  We know we are not done fighting, but at least now we are fighting as a team.  Today is a good day.  Thanks for the sunshine God.  Thanks for the love.

All is Well?

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   
   
   • Refrain: It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.

To hear Chris Rice sing It is Well

http://www.lala.com/#search/it%20is%20well%20with%20my%20soul

A while back I wrote in another blog about things being well with my soul. Well this weekend in church it came back to haunt me. Sort of. We were sitting in church in our usual spot listening to the pre-service music. Vera was playing piano. I love piano. It is just awesome. "It is Well With My Soul" starts lilting its way through the sanctuary. It is just beautiful. I literally stopped what I was doing. Not that I was really doing anything- we were in church- it was pre-service. I was sitting anyway- I had prayed and we were waiting for the service to begin, but I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. Somewhere behind me a woman started to sing. Softly, but still. We're Lutheran. We don't sing the pre-service songs. The tears started flowing down my face. The music was beautiful, the woman behind me singing was beautiful, vera's playing was beautiful. It is a blur to me now, but I do know that when the music ended, I applauded. I believe I saw Vera wipe a tear away as well. We then went to Sunday school and after that Taryn was singing at Immanuel so we loaded the kids up and headed over there. It is always interesting to attend church there- especially in the same day as POP. Anyway, you are never going to believe what song the middle school sang: "It is Well With My Soul"! My jaw dropped. I bring it up because it made me realize that all is not well. When I wrote it in the other blog, it was true. I had such a sense of peace. However, lately I feel as though I have been fighting a lot of demons. I feel that God is bringing things to a head that I have been refusing to deal with for a very, very long time. These things were all very present when I wrote It is Well, and it was well, but in only one aspect of life. When I look at my life as a whole, it is amazing. However, I do have afflictions. I do have crosses to bear. I am just beginning to realize how often I put those crosses on my own shoulders instead of relying on Jesus. I am realizing how I do not trust in Him to fully release me from burdens. I tell Him I want to surrender, but I then expect Him to let me do that on my terms. I enjoy the grace of the Cross, and I can certainly live out a life of Faith with some works done out of Faith from the Joy of that Cross, but all is not well. I am nowhere near where I ought to be in my walk of Faith. There is so much more I can do to be like Jesus. I fail on so many levels each and every day. It is a miracle that Jim and the kids tolerate me much less love and adore me. I do not know why Jesus has poured down blessing after blessing on me, and I will never understand it. Grace is like that, I guess. Life is good, but there are still demons to wrestle. Things can look awesome from the outside, but struggles can still be present. I often wonder about Paul's "thorn". What if I struggle with the same thing he did? Would that make me feel better or worse? Hmmmm You know, now that I sit here and sing through the words again, I realize that even with my trials and struggles, even with the crosses I bear, All is most definitely well with my soul. Thank you Jesus. I am so in love with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

http://www.lala.com/#search/it%20is%20well%20with%20my%20soul

Julie, Julia & Janet

Some friends & I got together last night to watch Julie & Julia. We had planned to watch it with Janet when it came it on video. Janet died before it came out, but we decided we were going to gather and watch it anyway. We toasted her and started watching. It is funny when you have a group of women together to watch a movie in a home. It isn't a theater. There was a lot of talking going on. We missed some parts of the movie. We had an entire table of food in front of us. It was a comfortable evening. I was with people whom I truly care about, who know me and my flaws, and still choose to spend time with me. Part of the movie was about Julie thinking that Julia saved her. Julie believes that Julia is perfect- that she never gets angry or makes mistakes in the kitchen. Julie's very wise husband tells her that it is the Julia in her head. I think we all do that- we turn other people into saints and forget that nobody is perfect. The best part of last night is that it didn't turn into a night of Remembering Janet the Saint. Instead, we gathered, we enjoyed each other's company, we had true fellowship. It wasn't as though Janet was present there with us- I am not going to tell you that I felt her presence in the room with us- as a matter of fact I think that would have freaked me out a bit, but I can tell you that the night was exactly as it would have been had Janet been there. It was fun and carefree. It was real. It was friends who love each other and know that community is important. It was sisters in Christ who know that God's plan doesn't always make sense, bit it does have a purpose, and His plan has done great things in all of our lives. It was women who were grateful to know Janet and were blessed by knowing her, and will always love her. It was a perfect night shared by imperfect women. God is good!

My friend is dying

There it is. In black and white. It is so stark. So bold. I am not sure how to wrap my mind around it. I have known it for a few years, actually, but I have been holding out for a miracle. I still am. Yet this morning, I am feeling like I should start preparing myself in case the miracle doesn't arrive. Up until now, I fully believed and expected God to deliver. I didn't allow myself to think about saying good-bye. It just wasn't a possibility. Janet was going to be here to see Naomi head off to the first day of school, the first school play, the first school sporting event, the first school dance, the first day of high school, then college, and be there to see her get married. Now I have to be ready for the possibility that Jim and I will be there with John but no Janet. I don't deal with change well, and trying to reconcile this is not going well. A miracle would be so awesome. Janet would touch so many lives- she already has touched so many lives- how many more would be touched if she stayed with us? I need a miracle. I don't want to bury my friend. I am still struggling with so many of my own demons as this all plays out in my head and the Bible verses are running through my mind, I just wonder how God is going to use it all. How is Janet's death going to be used for good? How is Naomi going to be better without Janet? It is because I cannot reconcile those questions that I realize that I have very little faith and I go back to my original stance of needing a miracle. I cannot see how it can be in God's plan for it to be better for Janet to return home to heaven, so I hold out for a miracle. I refuse to believe in anything else. I know I should be rejoicing that she will no longer be in any pain. I should be thankful that she will be with Jesus. I should be praising God for bringing her home. I am not. I can pay lip service to all those things. I know that she will be pain free. I know that she wants to be with her Savior. I don't have the faith it takes to let her go. I can say that I do, but in reality, when push comes to shove, I want her here. I will be there for Naomi on all those firsts, because I told Janet that I would, but I am not ready. I want Janet to be there. I should know that I don't have to worry about finding the strength because it won't come from me, it will come from God, but I don't have the faith to believe that it will be there. I can pretend to be a pillar of strength, but the truth is I just really want to have my friend. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want John to have to walk alone. I don't Naomi to wake up one day without a mom. I am not mad at God. I just don't understand. My friend is dying.

I am past the halfway point of raising of my first born daughter. I mean to the point where she will be off at college on her own. It is terrifying and liberating at the same time. We sent her to a Lutheran school with amazing teachers. We are at a vibrant church with an explosive youth ministry. We are trying our best to set an example of a personal relationship with our Saviour. We feel we have deep roots in our faith to give to our children. When we give them wings we fully expect them to fly. We know it is not up to us, but all up to our Loving Father. We feel so blessed that God has chosen us to be parents to the 4 beautiful, talented, spirited daughters we have. My heart overflows when I look at each one of my girls. They are unique individuals, and each one has the ability to drive me to knees- either in praise for the blessing she brings or in pain begging God for respite from the bickering that pervades a house with 4 females only 6 years apart! In either case, on a day like today, where they are not around all day and I am in a quiet house, I am reminded just how full my life is because of my children. I am not made to be still. I am wired to be moving, to be in action. I love serving, using my gifts to be doing something. I have enjoyed the time to be going through things, and getting things organized, but I couldn't do it every day. I like to be on the move!

It is raining today. A crisp fall day. 3 of the kids do not have school and yet I am alone in the house. It is supposed to be a productive day. So far I have not been that productive. I have a lot to get done. My house is in shambles and my life has been running at warp speed. I feel the need to write, so here I sit. I have music playing and I hear the familiar tick tock of the clock. It is reassuring. The mess is waiting for me. I am going to attack it room by room. I feel like I also have thousands of ideas in my head waiting to burst out and not enough time to let them all out. I wonder how things got so busy, so out of control. I love my children, my spouse, my life. I wouldn't change the way I spend my days. I am so blessed to be able to volunteer in school. I love doing what I do. I am involved in my children's lives. I know their teachers, I know what happens in their days. I am at their games, at their field trips, at the school store. They even know me at the high school. I feel I am right where God wants me to be. Yet, it is still chaotic. That doesn't seem right. Somewhere I am missing the mark. I am trying to discern where it is I am not hearing His voice. I truly believe that if you are doing what God wills, you will not feel overwhelmed. There are many days I feel overwhelmed. I do not like living in a disorganized, cluttered house, and mine is the definition of one. The basement is a scary place to be. I don't like it. My goal this weekend is to bring the house back to the level of organization that is to a standard where I will not be embarrassed to have people see how we live. Then I can take a deep breath and face the day. I know God will direct my path, give me strength and get me through the weekend. I may very well be a new woman by tuesday!

Rainbows and open eyes

I saw a rainbow today.  It was perfect timing.  My life is a little out of control lately.  I was in the car at the end of a 30 minute wasted trip in the corridor of waste as I like to call the strip of car lots that line the way to get to my home. I was behind a moron who inexplicibly had to slow down to go up a tiny little bump due to the never ending construction that is present in the northwest suburbs.  I almost rear-ended said moron as I turned left  and then I saw the beautiful rainbow.  I  giggled "OOOH look at the rainbow!!!" out loud even though I was alone in the car.  I then realized the lyrics to the song that was playing in the van.  "Your name is Jesus.  Your name is Jesus. You’re the Wonderful, Counselor, my Friend.  You’re what I hold on to; I know that you brought me through  All the days of loss, to the cross you knew  I’d need a Savior.

How amazing is that?  God is so good.  It was right in front of me.  I have been stuck concentrating on all the things to the side of the road instead of looking at what was right in front of me.  I didn't see the beauty.  

I continued driving so thankful that God gave me a gift to see the beauty of the rainbow.  It took the tenseness of the morning away.  It was only 9:15- but the morning had already been filled with chaos.  I had done my devotions. It was supposed to keep me centered.   The rainbow had brought it back.  My vision had been distorted.  The next song started with these words: 

Light of the world You stepped down into darkness. Opened my eyes, let me see. Beauty that made this heart adore You Hope of a life spent with You

I think my day will go much better now.  My eyes have been opened.

Disappointment

Our church family suffered a great tragedy this week.  A tragedy that reminds us how precious life is, how important it is to love one another unconditionally, and from the center of who we are.  I have spent the last two days wrestling with God and  crying, getting angry, staring in disbelief, praying, and then starting all over.  Yet tonight I had a conversation with someone I love about something that is not going well in my life and I am left feeling very disappointed in this person.  Considering the tragedy that I find myself immersed in, I should be loving this person without regard to how I am made to feel by his/her actions.  Yet, I am hurt. As a result of that hurt, I want to put up walls and defend myself from further hurt.  For me, that means not speaking for awhile.  This is my routine.  I need time to sort things out, to let them make sense to me, to come to some sort of rational  conclusion.  I need to calm down.  I need the hurt to go away so the anger will go away and I can move on.  However, this person does not roll that way.  This person wants to talk things through immediately.  This person is a pleaser.  This person does not like it when people are angry with him/her.  In this instance he/she is angry, so it probably doesn't matter, but it is really difficult for me, because I don't want to be angry, especially when it has become so evident to me to not take love for granted; and yet, I cannot help how I feel.  I am having this conversation with God and it feels as though I am talking in a foreign language because the words are coming so quickly.  The odd thing is I had dreams for two nights in a row that I was angry with this person before any of this happened.  I thought it was quite peculiar, and was perplexed.  I know I will never figure out the mind of God, but sometimes I would just like to know a little. Even just a little of His plan for me on any given day.  I don't want to save the World- I just want to discern His will for me!  Ever since I began praying for surrender, I have been seeing over and over how He has been giving me "opportunities" to truly surrender.  It has been the most difficult period of my life to date- and also the most fulfilling in many ways.  I still feel as if I am barely getting by, and I know that cannot be way He intends me to feel, and yet I am seeking another way through Him and haven't found His answer.  I have amazing support, and I know I will get His answer, but it is nights like tonight when I am amazingly disappointed by someone who Christ Himself sent to me as one of my strongest supporters on a regular basis, that I feel as though I am adrift at sea.  I am so thankful that I am at a point in my life that my reaction is now to immediately pray and let the tears of disappointment flow instead of react in anger.  I have come a long way, but I have so far to go, and I am still not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing.  Is my call to write a book?  Is it to parent?  Is it to teach?  Do I go back to work? What are the answers?  I know God knows, and I want Him to clearly tell me.  Is that asking too much?

routine

It is a monday morning.  The girls just got on the bus.  It is amazing how quickly we settle back into our routines.  Last week I was in West Virginia on a mission trip with Aislin and her class.  We spent the week with the most amazing people.  My work group was working on an addition for a church.  It will be a Fellowship Hall for a Nazarene Church.  We wired a few rooms, hung some drywall, moved some things, cleaned up, burned some trash, basically did whatever they told us to do.  It didn't seem like much, but they kept telling us how much we got done and how helpful it was to them.  It was an uplifting week.  The best part was seeing the 8th graders working together and having fun while doing  whatever we needed them to do.  It is somewhat of a let-down to be back to a normal routine now.  Sitting at a kitchen table going through email and checking blogs just doesn't seem so important.  I have always said that being a stay at home mom is one of the most important jobs there is and unfortunately it comes with the least amount of tangible recognition.  Perhaps that is why I am wrestling with so many emotions this morning.  It is not that there were tangible rewards last week- but there was a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  The people we worked with were so grateful and so kind.  I really felt good about being there and wanted to get to know them and grew to care about them in the short time we were there.  Then it is back to the same old routine here.  Children bickering, taking everything for granted, not even beginning to understand how amazingly blessed they are.  West Virginia was a breath of fresh air, and I pray that I don't let the routine overtake the blessing that was given to me last week.  

spirals

Sometimes things just keep spiraling.  There are days when things are just really really good and there are others when things are just not good.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  It is much like the seasons.  There have been times in my life when I have felt really in tune with God.  I have felt His presence and "heard" his voice.  Not audibly, mind you, but I felt His direction, His calling.  I knew I was headed in the right direction and I had a clear purpose.  There have been other times when I begged Him to make things clear, when I wanted to have discernment and just felt like I was wandering in the wilderness.  Those are very isolating times.  It does not matter how many people surround you- there is still an overwhelming sense of isolation and abandonment.  Decisions needing to be made,  tasks need to be completed, appointments needing to be made, and all of it going by so quickly, with nothing really getting accomplished with any real meaning.  Those are the times when I beg God to let me know what I am missing, what I am still holding on to, what have I not surrendered to Him, that is keeping me from hearing His voice, from the clarity that I seek.  When all is disconnected, I know I just need to reconnect to Him, and then all will fall back into place, but sometimes that is not so easy to do.  Although God does love us as we are, in our imperfection, those flaws run deep and block many blessings.  Imperfection makes a difficult path to follow.  Even when things are good, they are flawed.  It is bound to crack at some point.  It gets tiring.  It makes one wonder why God bothered with earth at all.  Why not skip the imperfect earth.  Why let us mess things up for thousands of years.  Why not just skip it all and head right to Heaven.  Then I think to those glimpses of Heaven I have seen on earth- the pure joy the  moment of giving  birth,  holding a newborn baby,  every time a child says "I love you mommy",  the strength I feel in my grip of my husband's  fingers as they wrap around mine,  the tenderness of his touch when he gently moves my hair out of my eyes, the love I have for my daughters and the way my heart swells when I hear them singing together, the joy they give me when they hug each other just for fun- those moments of heaven on earth that make me so thankful that God did bother with earth and gave me the time to be disconnected.  Now when I am connected, I can remember to be that much more thankful, and to be purposeful with that time, and to cherish it, and to remember it is a gift.