routine

It is a monday morning.  The girls just got on the bus.  It is amazing how quickly we settle back into our routines.  Last week I was in West Virginia on a mission trip with Aislin and her class.  We spent the week with the most amazing people.  My work group was working on an addition for a church.  It will be a Fellowship Hall for a Nazarene Church.  We wired a few rooms, hung some drywall, moved some things, cleaned up, burned some trash, basically did whatever they told us to do.  It didn't seem like much, but they kept telling us how much we got done and how helpful it was to them.  It was an uplifting week.  The best part was seeing the 8th graders working together and having fun while doing  whatever we needed them to do.  It is somewhat of a let-down to be back to a normal routine now.  Sitting at a kitchen table going through email and checking blogs just doesn't seem so important.  I have always said that being a stay at home mom is one of the most important jobs there is and unfortunately it comes with the least amount of tangible recognition.  Perhaps that is why I am wrestling with so many emotions this morning.  It is not that there were tangible rewards last week- but there was a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  The people we worked with were so grateful and so kind.  I really felt good about being there and wanted to get to know them and grew to care about them in the short time we were there.  Then it is back to the same old routine here.  Children bickering, taking everything for granted, not even beginning to understand how amazingly blessed they are.  West Virginia was a breath of fresh air, and I pray that I don't let the routine overtake the blessing that was given to me last week.  

spirals

Sometimes things just keep spiraling.  There are days when things are just really really good and there are others when things are just not good.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  It is much like the seasons.  There have been times in my life when I have felt really in tune with God.  I have felt His presence and "heard" his voice.  Not audibly, mind you, but I felt His direction, His calling.  I knew I was headed in the right direction and I had a clear purpose.  There have been other times when I begged Him to make things clear, when I wanted to have discernment and just felt like I was wandering in the wilderness.  Those are very isolating times.  It does not matter how many people surround you- there is still an overwhelming sense of isolation and abandonment.  Decisions needing to be made,  tasks need to be completed, appointments needing to be made, and all of it going by so quickly, with nothing really getting accomplished with any real meaning.  Those are the times when I beg God to let me know what I am missing, what I am still holding on to, what have I not surrendered to Him, that is keeping me from hearing His voice, from the clarity that I seek.  When all is disconnected, I know I just need to reconnect to Him, and then all will fall back into place, but sometimes that is not so easy to do.  Although God does love us as we are, in our imperfection, those flaws run deep and block many blessings.  Imperfection makes a difficult path to follow.  Even when things are good, they are flawed.  It is bound to crack at some point.  It gets tiring.  It makes one wonder why God bothered with earth at all.  Why not skip the imperfect earth.  Why let us mess things up for thousands of years.  Why not just skip it all and head right to Heaven.  Then I think to those glimpses of Heaven I have seen on earth- the pure joy the  moment of giving  birth,  holding a newborn baby,  every time a child says "I love you mommy",  the strength I feel in my grip of my husband's  fingers as they wrap around mine,  the tenderness of his touch when he gently moves my hair out of my eyes, the love I have for my daughters and the way my heart swells when I hear them singing together, the joy they give me when they hug each other just for fun- those moments of heaven on earth that make me so thankful that God did bother with earth and gave me the time to be disconnected.  Now when I am connected, I can remember to be that much more thankful, and to be purposeful with that time, and to cherish it, and to remember it is a gift.

HE IS RISEN!!! HE IS RISEN INDEED!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

Blessings

I was reading my devotions the other day and I hit a speed bump.  It was talking about how we have to get to a point where we don't just go to God or appreciate Him for blessings, but love Him for who He is.  I get the point of that to a degree, but I also think that God Himself is a Blessing.  My journey with God is a blessing.  Walking with God is a blessing.  Waking up each morning knowing I am a redeemed child of God is a blessing.  Knowing that no matter what happens throughout the day I am secure in the knowledge of an eternal life in Heaven is a blessing.  Maybe that is what the author was getting at, but it was not the way I read it.  In any case, it has made me think this entire week.  Holy Week is an amazing week.  It is so filled with emotions.  From jubilation on Palm Sunday to deep fellowship on Maundy Thursday to such agony on Good Friday.  The choir sang an awesome song last night- What have We done.  It was an amazing way to sum up what happened on the cross and the anguish of the people that were there and how we feel now when we do those things that we should not do, but continue to do over and over.  It was emotional to hear the choir sing.  We started a new tradition and watched the Passion of the Christ when we got home.    We sent the 2 youngest to bed, but the 2 oldest watched it with us.  The 12 year old covered her eyes for a lot of it.  It was good for us to watch together.  I kept reminding them (and myself) that Jesus knew the price that He would pay and He paid it willingly.  He chose the cross.  His love is that great. We got to bed late, but I am glad that we took the time to watch it.  I think it was a good thing for the girls to see with us.  It was a good thing for me to see again.  The anguish of it all breaks your heart and reminds you just how much love Jesus has for each one of us.  It can only be a blessing.

Scattered

So far Lent has been scattered.  We are 3 weeks into Lent, and it has flown by.  It is still difficult to put things into proper priority.  There is a proper order, but it is often confusing trying to figure out just exactly what that is.  My devotions have been focused on God's calling.  I have often struggled with the story of Jesus telling the man to leave all his possessions and follow him (Jesus).  The man then asks to bury his father.  Jesus tells him to let the dead bury the dead.  That is where I struggle.  I have a hard time finding the balance between putting Jesus first and taking care of myself so I can take care of others.  I consider my family my first church, so how can I neglect them to do other "godly" things?  It is a balancing act that I don't balance very well. The more time I spend in prayer and in the Word, the more I wonder about what I am doing and how I should continue.  I love volunteering at school and spending time there, and feel called to do so.  However, there are things at home that have to get done.  How do I make the time to make sure they get done?  How do I make the time to take care of myself in the way that the doctors are telling is now a necessity?  There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done.  I know that God does not make mistakes, so surely He did not give me more children than I have time to nurture, did he?  Six people in a family makes for a lot of stuff- and a lot of things to clean up, clothes to wash, to dry, to fold, to put away, papers to go through, to file, bills to pay, just a lot of things to do.  Yet, I also know that ALL things are possible with God, so I just need to stop trying to do it all myself and start letting Him take control and maybe instead of being in the passenger seat I need to get in the back seat.  Although I am a back seat driver.  I am starting to have a few revelations about myself- I think God is slowly leaking information that I can finally handle- and it is starting to sink in.  There might be some interesting posts to come in the future.....

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday.  We had our Paczkis yesterday to celebrate Fat Tuesday.  I thought about being good and not having any, especially since I haven't been able to walk in over a week due to the bronchitis, but I just didn't have the willpower.  Chocolate with custard. Yum.    It was delightful.  I went to chapel this morning and thought the Pastor did a nice job of explaining Ash Wednesday to the kids.  Gretchen always comes and sits with me.  I love that she still sits on my lap for chapel.  Even Aislin and Taryn came to say hi to  me today.  It was a nice surprise.  I was able to get to Curves and get a walk in, so I am back to a routine- except I didn't have Crossways because of the Ash Wednesday service.  I like Ash Wednesday.  I like having ashes on my forehead when I pick up the girls from school.  It always starts great discussions.  I love hearing what the girls are thinking about and how their minds are working as they get older.  I also want them to know that my faith is important to me, and that my days are spent doing things with God, just like they do in Religion class.  I don't want them to think that you ever get too old for God.  I want them to see life as a journey with God, one that grows and grows over time, and that only ends in Heaven.  I want to lead by example for my children.   I don't want to have expectations for them that I don't have for myself.  I think that I may like Ash Wednesday so much because it is a day that reminds us to repent.  It is a day that reminds us that we fail each and every day to live the lives that we could.  It is a day that reminds us that our Lord and Savior went to the cross out of love for us.  It is a day that reminds us that no matter what we have done, are doing, or will do, our Savior loves us and forgives us each and every time we repent.  Our family does "give up" something for Lent.  We discuss it each year and let the girls decide if they want to participate.  We use it as a tool for the girls to see how difficult it can be to sacrifice something they like.  It is by no means any comparison to the sacrifice Christ made, but it does give them a glimpse into the depth of His love.  He didn't have to go through with it.  He chose to go to the tree.  His love was that strong, that true.  Ash Wednesday is the start of the build-up to Easter when we can sing Lift High the Cross and I Know My Redeemer Lives.  It is a somber day, but it is also the start of the party.  It is reverent,  but I think I love it because I know how the story ends.  I can feel the excitement building, and I want to share the story.  I want everyone to know that it doesn't end with the ashes, it doesn't end with the "giving up", it doesn't even end at the cross.  It ends at the empty tomb!  It ends when My Redeemer Lives!  He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!  Hallelujah!!!!

Strength

A family member made a life altering decision recently.  I am in awe of the strength it took to do so.  I am so proud of her.  It is quite possibly the hardest decision she will ever have to make, and she did it with grace and dignity.  I talked with her shortly after wards to offer support and encouragement and she was telling me that she was surprised at how she felt.  She thought she was going to be a mess, but she really was doing much better than she had thought.  She is a planner, and for the first time in her life, she had no plan.  Everything she had thought was going to be happening in her life was now up for grabs.  The direction her life was taking had all of a sudden taken a huge change.  She said she was really ok.  It was so reassuring to hear her say that.  I told her that she needed to remember that Jesus lives inside of each of us, and when we feel that sense of peace it is because it is coming from Him.  I am just blown away by the maturity and faith that is being exhibited.  I don't know that I would have been able to do the same thing at her age.  She was so concerned that she was setting a good example for my girls- she didn't want to disappoint me or them.  I let her know that I was nothing but proud of her and that she is amazing example for my girls.  She made a difficult decision- and one that  most definitely goes against the tide of society- but she stayed true to herself, she stayed true to her faith, and she stayed true to what she believed to be the best decision in the long run.  I believe God gave her the strength to do what was right, even though it was very very difficult.  I am so proud of her for doing it, and for relying on His strength to get her through.  She is an amazing young woman, and I am honored to be in her family.