Rainbows and open eyes

I saw a rainbow today.  It was perfect timing.  My life is a little out of control lately.  I was in the car at the end of a 30 minute wasted trip in the corridor of waste as I like to call the strip of car lots that line the way to get to my home. I was behind a moron who inexplicibly had to slow down to go up a tiny little bump due to the never ending construction that is present in the northwest suburbs.  I almost rear-ended said moron as I turned left  and then I saw the beautiful rainbow.  I  giggled "OOOH look at the rainbow!!!" out loud even though I was alone in the car.  I then realized the lyrics to the song that was playing in the van.  "Your name is Jesus.  Your name is Jesus. You’re the Wonderful, Counselor, my Friend.  You’re what I hold on to; I know that you brought me through  All the days of loss, to the cross you knew  I’d need a Savior.

How amazing is that?  God is so good.  It was right in front of me.  I have been stuck concentrating on all the things to the side of the road instead of looking at what was right in front of me.  I didn't see the beauty.  

I continued driving so thankful that God gave me a gift to see the beauty of the rainbow.  It took the tenseness of the morning away.  It was only 9:15- but the morning had already been filled with chaos.  I had done my devotions. It was supposed to keep me centered.   The rainbow had brought it back.  My vision had been distorted.  The next song started with these words: 

Light of the world You stepped down into darkness. Opened my eyes, let me see. Beauty that made this heart adore You Hope of a life spent with You

I think my day will go much better now.  My eyes have been opened.

Disappointment

Our church family suffered a great tragedy this week.  A tragedy that reminds us how precious life is, how important it is to love one another unconditionally, and from the center of who we are.  I have spent the last two days wrestling with God and  crying, getting angry, staring in disbelief, praying, and then starting all over.  Yet tonight I had a conversation with someone I love about something that is not going well in my life and I am left feeling very disappointed in this person.  Considering the tragedy that I find myself immersed in, I should be loving this person without regard to how I am made to feel by his/her actions.  Yet, I am hurt. As a result of that hurt, I want to put up walls and defend myself from further hurt.  For me, that means not speaking for awhile.  This is my routine.  I need time to sort things out, to let them make sense to me, to come to some sort of rational  conclusion.  I need to calm down.  I need the hurt to go away so the anger will go away and I can move on.  However, this person does not roll that way.  This person wants to talk things through immediately.  This person is a pleaser.  This person does not like it when people are angry with him/her.  In this instance he/she is angry, so it probably doesn't matter, but it is really difficult for me, because I don't want to be angry, especially when it has become so evident to me to not take love for granted; and yet, I cannot help how I feel.  I am having this conversation with God and it feels as though I am talking in a foreign language because the words are coming so quickly.  The odd thing is I had dreams for two nights in a row that I was angry with this person before any of this happened.  I thought it was quite peculiar, and was perplexed.  I know I will never figure out the mind of God, but sometimes I would just like to know a little. Even just a little of His plan for me on any given day.  I don't want to save the World- I just want to discern His will for me!  Ever since I began praying for surrender, I have been seeing over and over how He has been giving me "opportunities" to truly surrender.  It has been the most difficult period of my life to date- and also the most fulfilling in many ways.  I still feel as if I am barely getting by, and I know that cannot be way He intends me to feel, and yet I am seeking another way through Him and haven't found His answer.  I have amazing support, and I know I will get His answer, but it is nights like tonight when I am amazingly disappointed by someone who Christ Himself sent to me as one of my strongest supporters on a regular basis, that I feel as though I am adrift at sea.  I am so thankful that I am at a point in my life that my reaction is now to immediately pray and let the tears of disappointment flow instead of react in anger.  I have come a long way, but I have so far to go, and I am still not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing.  Is my call to write a book?  Is it to parent?  Is it to teach?  Do I go back to work? What are the answers?  I know God knows, and I want Him to clearly tell me.  Is that asking too much?

routine

It is a monday morning.  The girls just got on the bus.  It is amazing how quickly we settle back into our routines.  Last week I was in West Virginia on a mission trip with Aislin and her class.  We spent the week with the most amazing people.  My work group was working on an addition for a church.  It will be a Fellowship Hall for a Nazarene Church.  We wired a few rooms, hung some drywall, moved some things, cleaned up, burned some trash, basically did whatever they told us to do.  It didn't seem like much, but they kept telling us how much we got done and how helpful it was to them.  It was an uplifting week.  The best part was seeing the 8th graders working together and having fun while doing  whatever we needed them to do.  It is somewhat of a let-down to be back to a normal routine now.  Sitting at a kitchen table going through email and checking blogs just doesn't seem so important.  I have always said that being a stay at home mom is one of the most important jobs there is and unfortunately it comes with the least amount of tangible recognition.  Perhaps that is why I am wrestling with so many emotions this morning.  It is not that there were tangible rewards last week- but there was a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  The people we worked with were so grateful and so kind.  I really felt good about being there and wanted to get to know them and grew to care about them in the short time we were there.  Then it is back to the same old routine here.  Children bickering, taking everything for granted, not even beginning to understand how amazingly blessed they are.  West Virginia was a breath of fresh air, and I pray that I don't let the routine overtake the blessing that was given to me last week.  

spirals

Sometimes things just keep spiraling.  There are days when things are just really really good and there are others when things are just not good.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  It is much like the seasons.  There have been times in my life when I have felt really in tune with God.  I have felt His presence and "heard" his voice.  Not audibly, mind you, but I felt His direction, His calling.  I knew I was headed in the right direction and I had a clear purpose.  There have been other times when I begged Him to make things clear, when I wanted to have discernment and just felt like I was wandering in the wilderness.  Those are very isolating times.  It does not matter how many people surround you- there is still an overwhelming sense of isolation and abandonment.  Decisions needing to be made,  tasks need to be completed, appointments needing to be made, and all of it going by so quickly, with nothing really getting accomplished with any real meaning.  Those are the times when I beg God to let me know what I am missing, what I am still holding on to, what have I not surrendered to Him, that is keeping me from hearing His voice, from the clarity that I seek.  When all is disconnected, I know I just need to reconnect to Him, and then all will fall back into place, but sometimes that is not so easy to do.  Although God does love us as we are, in our imperfection, those flaws run deep and block many blessings.  Imperfection makes a difficult path to follow.  Even when things are good, they are flawed.  It is bound to crack at some point.  It gets tiring.  It makes one wonder why God bothered with earth at all.  Why not skip the imperfect earth.  Why let us mess things up for thousands of years.  Why not just skip it all and head right to Heaven.  Then I think to those glimpses of Heaven I have seen on earth- the pure joy the  moment of giving  birth,  holding a newborn baby,  every time a child says "I love you mommy",  the strength I feel in my grip of my husband's  fingers as they wrap around mine,  the tenderness of his touch when he gently moves my hair out of my eyes, the love I have for my daughters and the way my heart swells when I hear them singing together, the joy they give me when they hug each other just for fun- those moments of heaven on earth that make me so thankful that God did bother with earth and gave me the time to be disconnected.  Now when I am connected, I can remember to be that much more thankful, and to be purposeful with that time, and to cherish it, and to remember it is a gift.

HE IS RISEN!!! HE IS RISEN INDEED!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

Blessings

I was reading my devotions the other day and I hit a speed bump.  It was talking about how we have to get to a point where we don't just go to God or appreciate Him for blessings, but love Him for who He is.  I get the point of that to a degree, but I also think that God Himself is a Blessing.  My journey with God is a blessing.  Walking with God is a blessing.  Waking up each morning knowing I am a redeemed child of God is a blessing.  Knowing that no matter what happens throughout the day I am secure in the knowledge of an eternal life in Heaven is a blessing.  Maybe that is what the author was getting at, but it was not the way I read it.  In any case, it has made me think this entire week.  Holy Week is an amazing week.  It is so filled with emotions.  From jubilation on Palm Sunday to deep fellowship on Maundy Thursday to such agony on Good Friday.  The choir sang an awesome song last night- What have We done.  It was an amazing way to sum up what happened on the cross and the anguish of the people that were there and how we feel now when we do those things that we should not do, but continue to do over and over.  It was emotional to hear the choir sing.  We started a new tradition and watched the Passion of the Christ when we got home.    We sent the 2 youngest to bed, but the 2 oldest watched it with us.  The 12 year old covered her eyes for a lot of it.  It was good for us to watch together.  I kept reminding them (and myself) that Jesus knew the price that He would pay and He paid it willingly.  He chose the cross.  His love is that great. We got to bed late, but I am glad that we took the time to watch it.  I think it was a good thing for the girls to see with us.  It was a good thing for me to see again.  The anguish of it all breaks your heart and reminds you just how much love Jesus has for each one of us.  It can only be a blessing.

Scattered

So far Lent has been scattered.  We are 3 weeks into Lent, and it has flown by.  It is still difficult to put things into proper priority.  There is a proper order, but it is often confusing trying to figure out just exactly what that is.  My devotions have been focused on God's calling.  I have often struggled with the story of Jesus telling the man to leave all his possessions and follow him (Jesus).  The man then asks to bury his father.  Jesus tells him to let the dead bury the dead.  That is where I struggle.  I have a hard time finding the balance between putting Jesus first and taking care of myself so I can take care of others.  I consider my family my first church, so how can I neglect them to do other "godly" things?  It is a balancing act that I don't balance very well. The more time I spend in prayer and in the Word, the more I wonder about what I am doing and how I should continue.  I love volunteering at school and spending time there, and feel called to do so.  However, there are things at home that have to get done.  How do I make the time to make sure they get done?  How do I make the time to take care of myself in the way that the doctors are telling is now a necessity?  There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done.  I know that God does not make mistakes, so surely He did not give me more children than I have time to nurture, did he?  Six people in a family makes for a lot of stuff- and a lot of things to clean up, clothes to wash, to dry, to fold, to put away, papers to go through, to file, bills to pay, just a lot of things to do.  Yet, I also know that ALL things are possible with God, so I just need to stop trying to do it all myself and start letting Him take control and maybe instead of being in the passenger seat I need to get in the back seat.  Although I am a back seat driver.  I am starting to have a few revelations about myself- I think God is slowly leaking information that I can finally handle- and it is starting to sink in.  There might be some interesting posts to come in the future.....