Monday, April 27, 2009
It is a monday morning. The girls just got on the bus. It is amazing how quickly we settle back into our routines. Last week I was in West Virginia on a mission trip with Aislin and her class. We spent the week with the most amazing people. My work group was working on an addition for a church. It will be a Fellowship Hall for a Nazarene Church. We wired a few rooms, hung some drywall, moved some things, cleaned up, burned some trash, basically did whatever they told us to do. It didn't seem like much, but they kept telling us how much we got done and how helpful it was to them. It was an uplifting week. The best part was seeing the 8th graders working together and having fun while doing whatever we needed them to do. It is somewhat of a let-down to be back to a normal routine now. Sitting at a kitchen table going through email and checking blogs just doesn't seem so important. I have always said that being a stay at home mom is one of the most important jobs there is and unfortunately it comes with the least amount of tangible recognition. Perhaps that is why I am wrestling with so many emotions this morning. It is not that there were tangible rewards last week- but there was a sense of purpose and accomplishment. The people we worked with were so grateful and so kind. I really felt good about being there and wanted to get to know them and grew to care about them in the short time we were there. Then it is back to the same old routine here. Children bickering, taking everything for granted, not even beginning to understand how amazingly blessed they are. West Virginia was a breath of fresh air, and I pray that I don't let the routine overtake the blessing that was given to me last week.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sometimes things just keep spiraling. There are days when things are just really really good and there are others when things are just not good. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It is much like the seasons. There have been times in my life when I have felt really in tune with God. I have felt His presence and "heard" his voice. Not audibly, mind you, but I felt His direction, His calling. I knew I was headed in the right direction and I had a clear purpose. There have been other times when I begged Him to make things clear, when I wanted to have discernment and just felt like I was wandering in the wilderness. Those are very isolating times. It does not matter how many people surround you- there is still an overwhelming sense of isolation and abandonment. Decisions needing to be made, tasks need to be completed, appointments needing to be made, and all of it going by so quickly, with nothing really getting accomplished with any real meaning. Those are the times when I beg God to let me know what I am missing, what I am still holding on to, what have I not surrendered to Him, that is keeping me from hearing His voice, from the clarity that I seek. When all is disconnected, I know I just need to reconnect to Him, and then all will fall back into place, but sometimes that is not so easy to do. Although God does love us as we are, in our imperfection, those flaws run deep and block many blessings. Imperfection makes a difficult path to follow. Even when things are good, they are flawed. It is bound to crack at some point. It gets tiring. It makes one wonder why God bothered with earth at all. Why not skip the imperfect earth. Why let us mess things up for thousands of years. Why not just skip it all and head right to Heaven. Then I think to those glimpses of Heaven I have seen on earth- the pure joy the moment of giving birth, holding a newborn baby, every time a child says "I love you mommy", the strength I feel in my grip of my husband's fingers as they wrap around mine, the tenderness of his touch when he gently moves my hair out of my eyes, the love I have for my daughters and the way my heart swells when I hear them singing together, the joy they give me when they hug each other just for fun- those moments of heaven on earth that make me so thankful that God did bother with earth and gave me the time to be disconnected. Now when I am connected, I can remember to be that much more thankful, and to be purposeful with that time, and to cherish it, and to remember it is a gift.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I was reading my devotions the other day and I hit a speed bump. It was talking about how we have to get to a point where we don't just go to God or appreciate Him for blessings, but love Him for who He is. I get the point of that to a degree, but I also think that God Himself is a Blessing. My journey with God is a blessing. Walking with God is a blessing. Waking up each morning knowing I am a redeemed child of God is a blessing. Knowing that no matter what happens throughout the day I am secure in the knowledge of an eternal life in Heaven is a blessing. Maybe that is what the author was getting at, but it was not the way I read it. In any case, it has made me think this entire week. Holy Week is an amazing week. It is so filled with emotions. From jubilation on Palm Sunday to deep fellowship on Maundy Thursday to such agony on Good Friday. The choir sang an awesome song last night- What have We done. It was an amazing way to sum up what happened on the cross and the anguish of the people that were there and how we feel now when we do those things that we should not do, but continue to do over and over. It was emotional to hear the choir sing. We started a new tradition and watched the Passion of the Christ when we got home. We sent the 2 youngest to bed, but the 2 oldest watched it with us. The 12 year old covered her eyes for a lot of it. It was good for us to watch together. I kept reminding them (and myself) that Jesus knew the price that He would pay and He paid it willingly. He chose the cross. His love is that great. We got to bed late, but I am glad that we took the time to watch it. I think it was a good thing for the girls to see with us. It was a good thing for me to see again. The anguish of it all breaks your heart and reminds you just how much love Jesus has for each one of us. It can only be a blessing.