Saturday, November 6, 2010
I feel like I have all this information that I want to share, and yet I never actually sit down get it out of my head. I have this dream of getting published, and so many people have told me I need to write a book, and yet- what does that look like? How does one go about making it happen? What happens if I actually sat down, wrote something resembling a book, it got published, and then nobody bought the thing? Do I have anything worth saying? What makes me an expert on anything? The flurry of activity of my life keeps me praying just to make it through the next hour most days. God puts many opportunities in front of me, and I am so grateful for them. I have an amazing life. I feel abundantly blessed. I also feel that I am not living up to the potential He placed in me. I am not using the gifts He has given to the best of my abilities. I waste a lot of time and squander blessings. I could be doing so much more for God. It makes me wonder what my life would look like if I did what I am truly capable of doing. It is a bit frustrating because I know that I am the one who is holding myself back. I fall into the same traps day after day. I have only myself to blame. God is there, calling out to me, showing me what to do, and I tell Him, "Just a minute. I will be right there." Before I know it, the day is over and I have thrown away 12 hours of possibilities for wasted time and broken promises. I feel like I am watching my life go by. I know what I want to do, and yet I am slow in getting it done. A few years back I felt like I could not relate to St. Paul at all, and now I feel like I am getting to know him more and more each day. Funny how God works and opens our eyes. The good in all of this is that I know that each day when I wake up my Savior still loves me. He still wants me to try to give him my best- no matter how pathetic the effort may be. To Him, it isn't pathetic at all. Each act of love I give to Him is beautiful. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem to me, it is given out of love, and that means everything to Him. He knows we are imperfect. He knows we cannot be perfect. That is why He went to the cross in the first place. He doesn't expect perfection from us. He just wants us. However we are, to come to Him each day, in whatever state we are in, and offer ourselves. He wants us to say "Here I am Lord- this is what you get today." It may be a little, or it may be a lot. Whatever it is, it is enough. That is how I get through each day. I give what I can, and know that He will bridge the gap. His love paid that price and it is enough, and therefore, I, too am enough. It is a beautiful thing.