Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Our church family suffered a great tragedy this week.  A tragedy that reminds us how precious life is, how important it is to love one another unconditionally, and from the center of who we are.  I have spent the last two days wrestling with God and  crying, getting angry, staring in disbelief, praying, and then starting all over.  Yet tonight I had a conversation with someone I love about something that is not going well in my life and I am left feeling very disappointed in this person.  Considering the tragedy that I find myself immersed in, I should be loving this person without regard to how I am made to feel by his/her actions.  Yet, I am hurt. As a result of that hurt, I want to put up walls and defend myself from further hurt.  For me, that means not speaking for awhile.  This is my routine.  I need time to sort things out, to let them make sense to me, to come to some sort of rational  conclusion.  I need to calm down.  I need the hurt to go away so the anger will go away and I can move on.  However, this person does not roll that way.  This person wants to talk things through immediately.  This person is a pleaser.  This person does not like it when people are angry with him/her.  In this instance he/she is angry, so it probably doesn't matter, but it is really difficult for me, because I don't want to be angry, especially when it has become so evident to me to not take love for granted; and yet, I cannot help how I feel.  I am having this conversation with God and it feels as though I am talking in a foreign language because the words are coming so quickly.  The odd thing is I had dreams for two nights in a row that I was angry with this person before any of this happened.  I thought it was quite peculiar, and was perplexed.  I know I will never figure out the mind of God, but sometimes I would just like to know a little. Even just a little of His plan for me on any given day.  I don't want to save the World- I just want to discern His will for me!  Ever since I began praying for surrender, I have been seeing over and over how He has been giving me "opportunities" to truly surrender.  It has been the most difficult period of my life to date- and also the most fulfilling in many ways.  I still feel as if I am barely getting by, and I know that cannot be way He intends me to feel, and yet I am seeking another way through Him and haven't found His answer.  I have amazing support, and I know I will get His answer, but it is nights like tonight when I am amazingly disappointed by someone who Christ Himself sent to me as one of my strongest supporters on a regular basis, that I feel as though I am adrift at sea.  I am so thankful that I am at a point in my life that my reaction is now to immediately pray and let the tears of disappointment flow instead of react in anger.  I have come a long way, but I have so far to go, and I am still not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing.  Is my call to write a book?  Is it to parent?  Is it to teach?  Do I go back to work? What are the answers?  I know God knows, and I want Him to clearly tell me.  Is that asking too much?