Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My friend is dying

There it is. In black and white. It is so stark. So bold. I am not sure how to wrap my mind around it. I have known it for a few years, actually, but I have been holding out for a miracle. I still am. Yet this morning, I am feeling like I should start preparing myself in case the miracle doesn't arrive. Up until now, I fully believed and expected God to deliver. I didn't allow myself to think about saying good-bye. It just wasn't a possibility. Janet was going to be here to see Naomi head off to the first day of school, the first school play, the first school sporting event, the first school dance, the first day of high school, then college, and be there to see her get married. Now I have to be ready for the possibility that Jim and I will be there with John but no Janet. I don't deal with change well, and trying to reconcile this is not going well. A miracle would be so awesome. Janet would touch so many lives- she already has touched so many lives- how many more would be touched if she stayed with us? I need a miracle. I don't want to bury my friend. I am still struggling with so many of my own demons as this all plays out in my head and the Bible verses are running through my mind, I just wonder how God is going to use it all. How is Janet's death going to be used for good? How is Naomi going to be better without Janet? It is because I cannot reconcile those questions that I realize that I have very little faith and I go back to my original stance of needing a miracle. I cannot see how it can be in God's plan for it to be better for Janet to return home to heaven, so I hold out for a miracle. I refuse to believe in anything else. I know I should be rejoicing that she will no longer be in any pain. I should be thankful that she will be with Jesus. I should be praising God for bringing her home. I am not. I can pay lip service to all those things. I know that she will be pain free. I know that she wants to be with her Savior. I don't have the faith it takes to let her go. I can say that I do, but in reality, when push comes to shove, I want her here. I will be there for Naomi on all those firsts, because I told Janet that I would, but I am not ready. I want Janet to be there. I should know that I don't have to worry about finding the strength because it won't come from me, it will come from God, but I don't have the faith to believe that it will be there. I can pretend to be a pillar of strength, but the truth is I just really want to have my friend. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want John to have to walk alone. I don't Naomi to wake up one day without a mom. I am not mad at God. I just don't understand. My friend is dying.