Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Our church family suffered a great tragedy this week. A tragedy that reminds us how precious life is, how important it is to love one another unconditionally, and from the center of who we are. I have spent the last two days wrestling with God and crying, getting angry, staring in disbelief, praying, and then starting all over. Yet tonight I had a conversation with someone I love about something that is not going well in my life and I am left feeling very disappointed in this person. Considering the tragedy that I find myself immersed in, I should be loving this person without regard to how I am made to feel by his/her actions. Yet, I am hurt. As a result of that hurt, I want to put up walls and defend myself from further hurt. For me, that means not speaking for awhile. This is my routine. I need time to sort things out, to let them make sense to me, to come to some sort of rational conclusion. I need to calm down. I need the hurt to go away so the anger will go away and I can move on. However, this person does not roll that way. This person wants to talk things through immediately. This person is a pleaser. This person does not like it when people are angry with him/her. In this instance he/she is angry, so it probably doesn't matter, but it is really difficult for me, because I don't want to be angry, especially when it has become so evident to me to not take love for granted; and yet, I cannot help how I feel. I am having this conversation with God and it feels as though I am talking in a foreign language because the words are coming so quickly. The odd thing is I had dreams for two nights in a row that I was angry with this person before any of this happened. I thought it was quite peculiar, and was perplexed. I know I will never figure out the mind of God, but sometimes I would just like to know a little. Even just a little of His plan for me on any given day. I don't want to save the World- I just want to discern His will for me! Ever since I began praying for surrender, I have been seeing over and over how He has been giving me "opportunities" to truly surrender. It has been the most difficult period of my life to date- and also the most fulfilling in many ways. I still feel as if I am barely getting by, and I know that cannot be way He intends me to feel, and yet I am seeking another way through Him and haven't found His answer. I have amazing support, and I know I will get His answer, but it is nights like tonight when I am amazingly disappointed by someone who Christ Himself sent to me as one of my strongest supporters on a regular basis, that I feel as though I am adrift at sea. I am so thankful that I am at a point in my life that my reaction is now to immediately pray and let the tears of disappointment flow instead of react in anger. I have come a long way, but I have so far to go, and I am still not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing. Is my call to write a book? Is it to parent? Is it to teach? Do I go back to work? What are the answers? I know God knows, and I want Him to clearly tell me. Is that asking too much?