A while back I wrote in another blog about things being well with my soul. Well this weekend in church it came back to haunt me. Sort of. We were sitting in church in our usual spot listening to the pre-service music. Vera was playing piano. I love piano. It is just awesome. "It is Well With My Soul" starts lilting its way through the sanctuary. It is just beautiful. I literally stopped what I was doing. Not that I was really doing anything- we were in church- it was pre-service. I was sitting anyway- I had prayed and we were waiting for the service to begin, but I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. Somewhere behind me a woman started to sing. Softly, but still. We're Lutheran. We don't sing the pre-service songs. The tears started flowing down my face. The music was beautiful, the woman behind me singing was beautiful, vera's playing was beautiful. It is a blur to me now, but I do know that when the music ended, I applauded. I believe I saw Vera wipe a tear away as well. We then went to Sunday school and after that Taryn was singing at Immanuel so we loaded the kids up and headed over there. It is always interesting to attend church there- especially in the same day as POP. Anyway, you are never going to believe what song the middle school sang: "It is Well With My Soul"! My jaw dropped. I bring it up because it made me realize that all is not well. When I wrote it in the other blog, it was true. I had such a sense of peace. However, lately I feel as though I have been fighting a lot of demons. I feel that God is bringing things to a head that I have been refusing to deal with for a very, very long time. These things were all very present when I wrote It is Well, and it was well, but in only one aspect of life. When I look at my life as a whole, it is amazing. However, I do have afflictions. I do have crosses to bear. I am just beginning to realize how often I put those crosses on my own shoulders instead of relying on Jesus. I am realizing how I do not trust in Him to fully release me from burdens. I tell Him I want to surrender, but I then expect Him to let me do that on my terms. I enjoy the grace of the Cross, and I can certainly live out a life of Faith with some works done out of Faith from the Joy of that Cross, but all is not well. I am nowhere near where I ought to be in my walk of Faith. There is so much more I can do to be like Jesus. I fail on so many levels each and every day. It is a miracle that Jim and the kids tolerate me much less love and adore me. I do not know why Jesus has poured down blessing after blessing on me, and I will never understand it. Grace is like that, I guess. Life is good, but there are still demons to wrestle. Things can look awesome from the outside, but struggles can still be present. I often wonder about Paul's "thorn". What if I struggle with the same thing he did? Would that make me feel better or worse? Hmmmm You know, now that I sit here and sing through the words again, I realize that even with my trials and struggles, even with the crosses I bear, All is most definitely well with my soul. Thank you Jesus. I am so in love with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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