Thursday, June 14, 2007

life vs. living

Why is it that life gets in the way of living? There is so much I want to do , and yet I let the daily stuff take up my time and cloud my vision. I love to write, and yet if I spent all the time I wanted to doing that, I would be overcome with guilt. I have been praying for quite some time for God to help me to surrender, and He is answering in many many ways. Some of them painful, but I am getting exactly what I requested. My entire life is cluttered- my mind, my schedule, my house. My kids were in Galena with my parents and I was able to spend 10 hours just uncluttering 4 rooms in my house. 10 hours for 4 rooms!!! It was crazy. Of course I chose the 4 easiest rooms as well. It was liberating, and now I want to do the rest of the house, but it is daunting. I don't even know where to start. I want to purge it all. I want my house to be clutter free. It is almost as if I can get my house in order then I would be encouraged to get my life in order as well. As overwhelming as getting the house done will be, getting my life in order will be much more time consuming, and much more work. That will be a never ending process. I know that God is with me every step of the way, and will be doing most of the work in my heart. I also know that as much as I want to surrender it all to Him, I will be fighting it. I am a stubborn German Irish Lutheran. I don't like change. Being complacent is easy. There is no work required. Surrendering means I need to acknowledge that which is "ugly" in me. It means I have to admit I am not perfect. It means I know that if I am not stepping toward God, then I am stepping away from Him, even if I am standing still. If I am not running into His arms, I am not making progress. How can I choose to do anything but run to Him if I want to teach my children anything at all? I want my children to see me embracing God all of the time. I want it to be undeniable in my life. I want my children to know that they are not perfect, but they are loved. There is no greater love than Christ, and I am so thankful that He walks with me and gently shows me how to surrender my brokenness piece by piece until it is whole. I want to live that journey. I don't want to get stuck in life and forget how to live.

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