Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I am a sucker. I knew I was going to have one sick child at home with me today, but I thought maybe I would get my act together and get something done. This morning the 9 year old tells me she still doesn't feel well. Mind you this is the one who was sent home sick from school yesterday. This is the one who went to the doctor and was told that she was fine. This is the one who is quirky quirky quirky. I tell her to get dressed, eat, and see how she feels. She does and I think I am home free until the bus pulls up and she says "mom, I can't make it." In a complete moment of weakness I say fine. Not even 2 minutes later I hear feet running around in the bedroom. Not only hers, but the 7 year olds as well. AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! Can you say sucker? I need to have my head examined. I can't send the 7 year old- she was running a fever of 102 at the doctor's office. I have to keep her home. However, I should have just sent the 9 year old. I knew it, but I think I was secretly hoping they would entertain each other so I could be productive. They are actually doing pretty good at that. They are having a race at the moment to see who can get dressed first. I should just drop everything and pray that God sets my path today. I should ask him to get rid of all distractions so I can do what He has planned for me today. My to do list is overwhelming. Of course, if I just ventured downstairs and started attacking the piles on my desk, the odds of feeling accomplished would be better. Instead I sit on the computer! It is my time! See- I ask God to take away distractions because I don't want to do the work myself and be disciplined. Even when I want to be good, I still look for the shortcuts. I have decided that being a grown-up isn't all that fun. Like most things, it takes a lot of work. Jim and I often joke that someday the real parents are going to show up at our door and tell us our game of house is over. I am missing out on so much of the present because I am feeling guilty about the past or wishing for the future. I wish I was strong enough to live in the moment. I know there are an abundance of blessings right here and now, but I often miss them. I want to be content in the present, but I have messed up so royally in the past, that I can't let go of it. I know that God has already moved on, but for whatever reason, the hold is too strong. I am beginning to believe I have the strength to work through it, but it is frightening just the same. I began praying for surrender a long time ago, and God has been answering by showing me just how little control I actually possess, but I still have figured out what it is He wants me to do each day. I am making progress, but it is a long journey and I have just started. I think there is freedom in knowing that I will only arrive on the day I enter Heaven. It isn't overwhelming- it is reassuring to know that I just have to do my best each day, and some days will be better than others. I will never be perfect, but I can aim for perfection. Each day I get closer to the goal- in spite of myself.