Tuesday, February 10, 2009


My life is chaos.  Complete chaos.  It is a great life.  I have an amazing husband, beautiful children, friends who would do anything for me, a great family, a huge extended family who drives me crazy, and yet who I couldn't imagine getting through life without, and yet my life is in an extreme state of disorder.  I look around my house and wonder what I have done wrong to live in such a state of mess.  My husband and I often talk of selling our house and moving to a smaller house in an effort to have a smaller mortgage.  I am beginning to believe that God is telling us that is not the answer simply because putting our house on the market would put me in a pure state of panic.  I think my anxiety would go through the roof.  My family is just not meant to be the family who lives in a state of model home living.  We really live.  Things get messy.  Our house looks lived in.  I want to walk in to my home and have it look completely neat and orderly.  I want everything to have a place and everything to be in that place. I want it to look like Alice lives here.  However, I am slowly beginning to realize that what I want and what is realistic are 2 very different things.  When I started praying for complete surrender a few years back, I really had no idea of the depths of what I was asking for.  I also am just beginning to realize how far I have to go in the prayer, and it is a bit daunting.  Prayer is painful.  I know it is entirely worth it, and I am excited for the changes that have happened, are happening, and are yet to come, but it is not easy.  I am not always skipping and jumping along gleefully with this plan that Jesus has for me.  More often than not, I am dragging my feet as He pulls me along, doing only what I have begged Him to do in the first place.  As the parent of a teen, I am beginning to see the difficult job he has of dealing with children who think they know it all but really know oh so little of the world.  I wonder how many times a day He shakes His head at me and "Oh my precious child, You have no idea what you are doing.  Please just listen to me.  I do know what I am doing.  I can help you with this.  Do what I say, and life will be so much easier.  Do what is say, and the chaos will cease.  Just listen, my child.  Just listen."

1 comment:

Laura Eder said...

I looked up chaos in the dictionary. It says utter confusion, muddle. We know God is not a God of confusion (1 Cor 14:33). The opposite of chaos is order.

I am so appreciative of your transparency, your willingness to cry out. I am so grateful God carries us through the muddle. I am so struck by the voice you already heard in your head that God just wants you (and all of us -like the wayward teenagers we are in our hearts) to listen. To listen we have to be still, to listen we have to be quiet.

"Teach me to number my days aright O Lord (Psalm 90:12) and teach me your paths (Psalm 25:4). May I be still and know that you are God (Psalm 46:10). The NASB translation says "Cease striving and know that I am God."