Tuesday, February 10, 2009
My life is chaos. Complete chaos. It is a great life. I have an amazing husband, beautiful children, friends who would do anything for me, a great family, a huge extended family who drives me crazy, and yet who I couldn't imagine getting through life without, and yet my life is in an extreme state of disorder. I look around my house and wonder what I have done wrong to live in such a state of mess. My husband and I often talk of selling our house and moving to a smaller house in an effort to have a smaller mortgage. I am beginning to believe that God is telling us that is not the answer simply because putting our house on the market would put me in a pure state of panic. I think my anxiety would go through the roof. My family is just not meant to be the family who lives in a state of model home living. We really live. Things get messy. Our house looks lived in. I want to walk in to my home and have it look completely neat and orderly. I want everything to have a place and everything to be in that place. I want it to look like Alice lives here. However, I am slowly beginning to realize that what I want and what is realistic are 2 very different things. When I started praying for complete surrender a few years back, I really had no idea of the depths of what I was asking for. I also am just beginning to realize how far I have to go in the prayer, and it is a bit daunting. Prayer is painful. I know it is entirely worth it, and I am excited for the changes that have happened, are happening, and are yet to come, but it is not easy. I am not always skipping and jumping along gleefully with this plan that Jesus has for me. More often than not, I am dragging my feet as He pulls me along, doing only what I have begged Him to do in the first place. As the parent of a teen, I am beginning to see the difficult job he has of dealing with children who think they know it all but really know oh so little of the world. I wonder how many times a day He shakes His head at me and "Oh my precious child, You have no idea what you are doing. Please just listen to me. I do know what I am doing. I can help you with this. Do what I say, and life will be so much easier. Do what is say, and the chaos will cease. Just listen, my child. Just listen."