All is Well?

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   
   
   • Refrain: It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.

To hear Chris Rice sing It is Well

http://www.lala.com/#search/it%20is%20well%20with%20my%20soul

A while back I wrote in another blog about things being well with my soul. Well this weekend in church it came back to haunt me. Sort of. We were sitting in church in our usual spot listening to the pre-service music. Vera was playing piano. I love piano. It is just awesome. "It is Well With My Soul" starts lilting its way through the sanctuary. It is just beautiful. I literally stopped what I was doing. Not that I was really doing anything- we were in church- it was pre-service. I was sitting anyway- I had prayed and we were waiting for the service to begin, but I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. Somewhere behind me a woman started to sing. Softly, but still. We're Lutheran. We don't sing the pre-service songs. The tears started flowing down my face. The music was beautiful, the woman behind me singing was beautiful, vera's playing was beautiful. It is a blur to me now, but I do know that when the music ended, I applauded. I believe I saw Vera wipe a tear away as well. We then went to Sunday school and after that Taryn was singing at Immanuel so we loaded the kids up and headed over there. It is always interesting to attend church there- especially in the same day as POP. Anyway, you are never going to believe what song the middle school sang: "It is Well With My Soul"! My jaw dropped. I bring it up because it made me realize that all is not well. When I wrote it in the other blog, it was true. I had such a sense of peace. However, lately I feel as though I have been fighting a lot of demons. I feel that God is bringing things to a head that I have been refusing to deal with for a very, very long time. These things were all very present when I wrote It is Well, and it was well, but in only one aspect of life. When I look at my life as a whole, it is amazing. However, I do have afflictions. I do have crosses to bear. I am just beginning to realize how often I put those crosses on my own shoulders instead of relying on Jesus. I am realizing how I do not trust in Him to fully release me from burdens. I tell Him I want to surrender, but I then expect Him to let me do that on my terms. I enjoy the grace of the Cross, and I can certainly live out a life of Faith with some works done out of Faith from the Joy of that Cross, but all is not well. I am nowhere near where I ought to be in my walk of Faith. There is so much more I can do to be like Jesus. I fail on so many levels each and every day. It is a miracle that Jim and the kids tolerate me much less love and adore me. I do not know why Jesus has poured down blessing after blessing on me, and I will never understand it. Grace is like that, I guess. Life is good, but there are still demons to wrestle. Things can look awesome from the outside, but struggles can still be present. I often wonder about Paul's "thorn". What if I struggle with the same thing he did? Would that make me feel better or worse? Hmmmm You know, now that I sit here and sing through the words again, I realize that even with my trials and struggles, even with the crosses I bear, All is most definitely well with my soul. Thank you Jesus. I am so in love with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

http://www.lala.com/#search/it%20is%20well%20with%20my%20soul

Julie, Julia & Janet

Some friends & I got together last night to watch Julie & Julia. We had planned to watch it with Janet when it came it on video. Janet died before it came out, but we decided we were going to gather and watch it anyway. We toasted her and started watching. It is funny when you have a group of women together to watch a movie in a home. It isn't a theater. There was a lot of talking going on. We missed some parts of the movie. We had an entire table of food in front of us. It was a comfortable evening. I was with people whom I truly care about, who know me and my flaws, and still choose to spend time with me. Part of the movie was about Julie thinking that Julia saved her. Julie believes that Julia is perfect- that she never gets angry or makes mistakes in the kitchen. Julie's very wise husband tells her that it is the Julia in her head. I think we all do that- we turn other people into saints and forget that nobody is perfect. The best part of last night is that it didn't turn into a night of Remembering Janet the Saint. Instead, we gathered, we enjoyed each other's company, we had true fellowship. It wasn't as though Janet was present there with us- I am not going to tell you that I felt her presence in the room with us- as a matter of fact I think that would have freaked me out a bit, but I can tell you that the night was exactly as it would have been had Janet been there. It was fun and carefree. It was real. It was friends who love each other and know that community is important. It was sisters in Christ who know that God's plan doesn't always make sense, bit it does have a purpose, and His plan has done great things in all of our lives. It was women who were grateful to know Janet and were blessed by knowing her, and will always love her. It was a perfect night shared by imperfect women. God is good!

My friend is dying

There it is. In black and white. It is so stark. So bold. I am not sure how to wrap my mind around it. I have known it for a few years, actually, but I have been holding out for a miracle. I still am. Yet this morning, I am feeling like I should start preparing myself in case the miracle doesn't arrive. Up until now, I fully believed and expected God to deliver. I didn't allow myself to think about saying good-bye. It just wasn't a possibility. Janet was going to be here to see Naomi head off to the first day of school, the first school play, the first school sporting event, the first school dance, the first day of high school, then college, and be there to see her get married. Now I have to be ready for the possibility that Jim and I will be there with John but no Janet. I don't deal with change well, and trying to reconcile this is not going well. A miracle would be so awesome. Janet would touch so many lives- she already has touched so many lives- how many more would be touched if she stayed with us? I need a miracle. I don't want to bury my friend. I am still struggling with so many of my own demons as this all plays out in my head and the Bible verses are running through my mind, I just wonder how God is going to use it all. How is Janet's death going to be used for good? How is Naomi going to be better without Janet? It is because I cannot reconcile those questions that I realize that I have very little faith and I go back to my original stance of needing a miracle. I cannot see how it can be in God's plan for it to be better for Janet to return home to heaven, so I hold out for a miracle. I refuse to believe in anything else. I know I should be rejoicing that she will no longer be in any pain. I should be thankful that she will be with Jesus. I should be praising God for bringing her home. I am not. I can pay lip service to all those things. I know that she will be pain free. I know that she wants to be with her Savior. I don't have the faith it takes to let her go. I can say that I do, but in reality, when push comes to shove, I want her here. I will be there for Naomi on all those firsts, because I told Janet that I would, but I am not ready. I want Janet to be there. I should know that I don't have to worry about finding the strength because it won't come from me, it will come from God, but I don't have the faith to believe that it will be there. I can pretend to be a pillar of strength, but the truth is I just really want to have my friend. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want John to have to walk alone. I don't Naomi to wake up one day without a mom. I am not mad at God. I just don't understand. My friend is dying.

I am past the halfway point of raising of my first born daughter. I mean to the point where she will be off at college on her own. It is terrifying and liberating at the same time. We sent her to a Lutheran school with amazing teachers. We are at a vibrant church with an explosive youth ministry. We are trying our best to set an example of a personal relationship with our Saviour. We feel we have deep roots in our faith to give to our children. When we give them wings we fully expect them to fly. We know it is not up to us, but all up to our Loving Father. We feel so blessed that God has chosen us to be parents to the 4 beautiful, talented, spirited daughters we have. My heart overflows when I look at each one of my girls. They are unique individuals, and each one has the ability to drive me to knees- either in praise for the blessing she brings or in pain begging God for respite from the bickering that pervades a house with 4 females only 6 years apart! In either case, on a day like today, where they are not around all day and I am in a quiet house, I am reminded just how full my life is because of my children. I am not made to be still. I am wired to be moving, to be in action. I love serving, using my gifts to be doing something. I have enjoyed the time to be going through things, and getting things organized, but I couldn't do it every day. I like to be on the move!

It is raining today. A crisp fall day. 3 of the kids do not have school and yet I am alone in the house. It is supposed to be a productive day. So far I have not been that productive. I have a lot to get done. My house is in shambles and my life has been running at warp speed. I feel the need to write, so here I sit. I have music playing and I hear the familiar tick tock of the clock. It is reassuring. The mess is waiting for me. I am going to attack it room by room. I feel like I also have thousands of ideas in my head waiting to burst out and not enough time to let them all out. I wonder how things got so busy, so out of control. I love my children, my spouse, my life. I wouldn't change the way I spend my days. I am so blessed to be able to volunteer in school. I love doing what I do. I am involved in my children's lives. I know their teachers, I know what happens in their days. I am at their games, at their field trips, at the school store. They even know me at the high school. I feel I am right where God wants me to be. Yet, it is still chaotic. That doesn't seem right. Somewhere I am missing the mark. I am trying to discern where it is I am not hearing His voice. I truly believe that if you are doing what God wills, you will not feel overwhelmed. There are many days I feel overwhelmed. I do not like living in a disorganized, cluttered house, and mine is the definition of one. The basement is a scary place to be. I don't like it. My goal this weekend is to bring the house back to the level of organization that is to a standard where I will not be embarrassed to have people see how we live. Then I can take a deep breath and face the day. I know God will direct my path, give me strength and get me through the weekend. I may very well be a new woman by tuesday!

Rainbows and open eyes

I saw a rainbow today.  It was perfect timing.  My life is a little out of control lately.  I was in the car at the end of a 30 minute wasted trip in the corridor of waste as I like to call the strip of car lots that line the way to get to my home. I was behind a moron who inexplicibly had to slow down to go up a tiny little bump due to the never ending construction that is present in the northwest suburbs.  I almost rear-ended said moron as I turned left  and then I saw the beautiful rainbow.  I  giggled "OOOH look at the rainbow!!!" out loud even though I was alone in the car.  I then realized the lyrics to the song that was playing in the van.  "Your name is Jesus.  Your name is Jesus. You’re the Wonderful, Counselor, my Friend.  You’re what I hold on to; I know that you brought me through  All the days of loss, to the cross you knew  I’d need a Savior.

How amazing is that?  God is so good.  It was right in front of me.  I have been stuck concentrating on all the things to the side of the road instead of looking at what was right in front of me.  I didn't see the beauty.  

I continued driving so thankful that God gave me a gift to see the beauty of the rainbow.  It took the tenseness of the morning away.  It was only 9:15- but the morning had already been filled with chaos.  I had done my devotions. It was supposed to keep me centered.   The rainbow had brought it back.  My vision had been distorted.  The next song started with these words: 

Light of the world You stepped down into darkness. Opened my eyes, let me see. Beauty that made this heart adore You Hope of a life spent with You

I think my day will go much better now.  My eyes have been opened.